Change is possible

I haven’t written for a while. And I’ve missed it. I have so many thoughts in my head and I think it would have made few excellent posts. But then I have no time to write.

I actually started a post couple of weeks ago and I’ve deleted it. It was very negative. I was in a point where life got on top of me. Too much stress, tiredness. Mainly at work. But it influenced the rest of my wellbeing.

I have always been a believer (even though last year challenged it big time), that when we have a question in life an answer will be given to us in one way or another. It may not be presented as an answer – we may need to put some jigsaw puzzle pieces together, but nevertheless the answer will come. Last year I did not have patient to wait for answers also they were particular answers I wanted. Not even answers, I wanted certainty. All my world has been collapsed and put upside down. But since, when I calmed down I can see that some answers are given to me one way or another.

I have been to a wellbeing at work course and it was absolutely packed with information relevant to me. The counselling course I’m doing all about self exploration and self discovery.

But I would like to start from few quotes….. The first one is

“Learn to wait; invariably either things will change or your heart will”.

And that is so true. If someone told me last year I’d feel better, I wouldn’t believe. I’m not all right, I’m not 100%. I’m not and maybe never be in the place I was before. But I’ve heard today that change is good. Embrace change as it makes us grow. We should be like bamboo sticks in a hurricane. We should bend but not snap. And when the hurricane goes away, we should bounce back to even better place than before.

And that leads me to another quote of today:

“You can’t stop the waves. But you can learn to surf”.  John Kabat Zinn

I tell you my list of books to read is even longer…. But anyway, we CAN change. It is like the quote I loved so much before by Frankl – When you can no longer change the circumstances, we are challenged to change ourselves. And we CAN change.

This post becomes slightly long now and   I won’t cover everything I want… but I’ll make myself a little reminder what I need to do.

  • Go through my audiobook The Worry Trick
  • Summarise my todays course
  • Review some new applications
  • Reflection on holidays and diet

Positives

I was meant to write few positives each day. I have to say that the intolerance to uncertainty was such an eye opener…. I feel like walking on the edge… still so very very close to the precipice…. but holding on the edge standing. I don’t even allow myself to doubt it won’t work. I believe strongly it will work 🙂 I have stopped my mind wandering towards old habits and imagining the seizures so many times. I have taken small steps and tried to do behavioural experiments and do what I’ve never done – act to situations different way and see if it works (basically increase my tolerance to uncertain situations rather then try to increase certainty by worrying). I have done Headspace 4 days in a row now 😉 and my anxiety is lower. I don’t feel by any means comfortable in doing it, it’s not something I do automatically I have to watch and question my own thoughts all the time. But I do feel less anxious and today I even felt somehow happy 🙂

Another positive and it’s a bit step is my husband relationship with my older daughter. So it’s quite obvious Graham has been going through a very difficult time in his life. I can’t even imagine how he felt, although I can see the physical symptoms of chemotherapy, how sick, weak, washout he was and how much trauma it’s been for his body to cause seizures (possibly the reason, but definitely not helping). He’s been very strong psychologically and emotionally. I’ve struggled mostly emotionally side which has been described in depth through here. But the girls struggled too. The little one picked up on the routine change. But the older one… had good and bad days. On some days she didn’t want to eat, couldn’t sleep, had nightmares, burst into tears randomly. She had mood swings, insecurity issues and she stopped sleeping alone. And most of all she didn’t want to stay with Graham on her own. I know how it hurt him. Today it’s the first time since 28th January they spent few hours on their own and they really really enjoyed it! 🙂

I would normally say – I don’t know if it lasts… (see – again, trying to predict the worst scenario) but the new me won’t say that. It is now, now they are happy. And we don’t need any “what if’s”. Let not allow my mind to wander. But that’s the point, need to stop myself. I’m so tempted to imagine worse case scenarios all the time but I’m making a conscious effort not to do that and also trying to distract myself.

And speaking of distraction – another positive, our little hamster Mr Fuzzy (turned out to be HIM not HER) got some treats today and he really seemed to enjoy them 🙂