It’s all about small steps, spring and well-being

In my last post I said I’d write about few things. I said I’d reflect on holidays, diet, applications and the course I’ve been to. It would be too long for one post so I think I’ll concentrate on the course and holidays first.

I love spring. When the weather becomes nicer and the flowers start flowering I think the world is a better place. And although I do feel better I still get my usual fears. So even though I love spring, the feeling this morning reminded me of last year summer when Graham had chemo and then the memories keep coming back. And then it’s just an easy way to remember seizures and here we go again. The memories are so vivid.

But the fear is not as overwhelming. And it’s not as overhelming not because it became so much better. I think I learn better ways to cope with it. But if I let my mind go wild,  it will overpower me easy and quickly. It feels a bit like an animal in a cage. Exactly this – a wild anima in a cage. But it is still there, still alive and still wild. Maybe I should give it a name?

I still struggle to fall asleep. I’ve found Melatonin a great help. I went recently to Poland where it is widely available. And actually recommended for shift (especially night shift) workers. But what I found really interesting is that in Poland I had absolutely no problems sleeping. No fear.  The holiday was actually so relaxing – I relaxed more than I imagined. Or hoped. And I don’t know if it is because all what happened last year happened in my house in UK. So I have no bad memories in mum’s house in Poland. Or maybe it was the thought that there was someone else with me in the house (mum). So I didn’t feel alone. Maybe it’s the feeling of being alone which is daunting. So although I do know that mum wouldn’t be much help in an emergency situation… maybe just knowing I wasn’t alone was enough. But I have rested and I have relaxed. I haven’t relaxed mentally so well in ages. I could say that my fear-wild-animal in the cage was asleep.

But on the positive –  since I’ve been back I attended a Wellbeing at work course. It was work related but we have talked about wellbeing in physical and mental sense. We were also discussing what’s available in my place of work but also in general what is good for our wellbeing overall.

I thought I’d summarise few things here so I wont’ forget what’s been said.

First of all change – The less we think of condition (reason) the less likely we are going to make changes. People continue to practice unhealthy behaviours because of incorrect perception about the risk they bring. If you perceive condition/reason as serious – you will more likely change habits.

We should be doing 30min of physical activity five times per week. And we need many different types of exercise, yoga, body pump, spinning or resistance exercise (I need to check what resistance exercise is and how can I fit it into my routine!). I was also thinking of doing some yoga. Need to check yoga CDs or books. Or you tube. I’m not very good with YouTube I have to admit.

The other thing for me to check is Dr Jayson Funj and his recommendation about fasting. Which would go nicely with my low carb diet and book by Tom Kerridge. So, just to touch on that – 25th of March I started low carb diet. I knew Tom Kerridge lost a lot of weight but I didn’t know that he did exactly that. Low carb diet. I got his book as it was a very good price on Kindle… only about £2!! so recipe book is not the best on Kindle but  hey, beggars can’t be choosers!! I got inspired by his introduction and advice. I think it summarises the diet very well. I only glimpsed on the recipes so far, but will have a proper look later. They use quite a few fairly expensive and fancy ingredients so not sure how well it will suit me.

Apparently Happiness is 50% genetics, 40% our control and only 10% external circumstances. I’m not sure what can or can’t we do about the genetics, but 40% in our hands is huge, isn’t it?? And we are not happy when we are stressed or worried. I had no idea that a stress curve existed. Because when we don’t have enough stress – we are in stagnation, have no motivation to do anything. The same if we have too much stress – we start to have physical symptoms and be unhappy which can lead us to being Overstressed and eventually to a mental breakdown. So the point is to keep ourselves in the middle – it’s always about balance. Too little stress isn’t good for us either. I have not really thought that some stress is needed. It motivates us. So we can have many activities to manage stress. We tend to do things to di-stress. We can do things like walking, yoga, reading, meeting up friends – which cover up the stress but don’t take it away (called palliative). Or we could for example drink more alcohol or eat chocolate – they help us feel better for a short while but the stress does come back and they can be harmful (called Indirect activities). And finally we could do meditation or mindfulness for example which would be a Direct activity which helps us acknowledge the problems and improve the situation.

It is recommended to have a selection of palliative type activities so we don’t rely only on one. They help us to reduce stress. I think it also works for worrying and anxiety. That leads us to the Fight or Flight response of our brain. I admit this is something I have to look into more. But one sentence I’ve heard which caught my attention was: in stress our mind can manage only two decisions – it either fights or flight. And nowadays, in current society exposure to prolonged stress keeps our mind in that state for too long. Plus neither of them really works. You can’t fight or flight really from your problems. To help ourselves dealing with stress it is recommended to increase physical activity or keep stress diary and mindfulness.

Interestingly we covered a bit of CBT as well.

We have an event A and we have it’s consequences C. And event makes us feel in a certain way. But in between A and C is – B our perception of the event which can change the consequences. This is a pause. In fact instead of REACTING to an event we should pause and learn to RESPOND to it. it is so powerful, isn’t it? We have a choice how we RESPOND. And the way we respond we can learn. Pause is good. We can re-train our mind.

I think I’ve written it before here but it comes back to the positive affirmation and law of attraction. If you say something often enough you will believe in it. And we tend to do that we negative things and take them as facts. “I’m useless”, “I’m fat, ugly, worthless” etc etc But instead let’s talk to ourselves “I’m pretty, sexy, intelligent”. Why do we believe more ourselves talking negative things than positive?? I’m sooo guilty of it. But actually – why do I repeat to myself all those negative comments and BELIEVE in them but when I try to say something positive I dismiss it straight away. Oh no, let’s try it. Let’s talk to ourselves positively and imagine if only it’s true – if we repeat it often enough we may actually believe in it as well 🙂

Thoughts are not facts. Especially negative as they can cause more harm. Change your mind, imagine you are in a court and put your thoughts for a judgement. Challenge your thoughts like in a court. What evidence do we have it is true? Our brains have a negative bias.

We are spending too much time to try to control things we have no control over. What we can’t change we need to accept and try not to make judgement. That brings us up to John Kabat Zinn as someone who brought us mindfulness. And as in a circle  – brings me back to Headspace. Meditation. Something I started last year and stopped.

And just to end this rather long post, apparently we should be doing 3 things each day to promote mental wellbeing.

  1. something which makes us happy
  2. something which gives us sense of achievement (even small, like cleaning, knitting etc)
  3. something which makes us close to someone, intimate (can also be small – to open up to someone or even just stroke a cat

There are also 5 ways to wellbeing. CLANG

  1. C – CONNECT friends, family, relationship at work or outside
  2. L – LEARN learn something new
  3. A – ACTIVE physical exercise
  4. N – NOTICE take a notice, mindfulness, be in a moment, practice gratitude, consciously think of few things you are grateful for
  5. G – GIVE give to others, but don’t forget to give to yourself too.

But if I go back to the beginning, where I said that my PTSD/anxiety – my fear – I cope with it better. If I look back – I did unconsciously exactly what’s been recommended in the course. I love my friends and appreciate friendships so much in life. I try to learn something new – I signed for swimming lessons and I do mean to learn Spanish. I try to be more active. I practice gratitude and positive thinking. And I learnt to give and be kind to myself. And I think the diet helps as well.

So overall – small steps. It’s all about small steps. You can’t overcome fear and anxiety all at once. And that’s what I wanted to do. But the small step technique is like a water going around a stone. If it goes long enough it will finally make a change.

Happy Easter if you celebrate! 🙂

 

Discoveries

Hello 🙂 I have noticed something – I received couple of likes on my last post! 🙂 this is incredible! Thank you so much for reading my blog. If you want to say something, please do. Sometimes it is nice to hear what other people think or even just feel you are not alone.

I’ve been thinking today about Keith Flint – The Prodigy singer. Someone has recently told me that they don’t believe it was a suicide and media are feeding us with all that rubbish. I do believe. I used to love Prodigy and actually I still do. I wasn’t biggest fan, can’t say I know much about Keith. But I can imagine a bit how possibly he felt. Of course I’m not him and we can never say we know exactly how someone else feels. But… the news said that the last time he was seen was eating lunch or dinner with his personal trainer and cheering about breaking his personal best in some sort of sport achievement. He was also joking with some locals in the pub. And then he killed himself. Later that night. So, was it planned? Was he really cheerful knowing in his head that it was his goodbye? Or…. was he actually enjoying the moment and even forgot he is lonely/depressed…. and needed people. Needing their company. Enjoying the chatter and food. Then coming home and…. bum, loneliness. Nothing, Empty. Maybe he hit a very low bottom and just decided he couldn’t deal with the lows any longer. I don’t know. But that’s what I think is probable.

As I feel similar. Not suicidal. No. It’s more about feeling the very low. People go, leave you, go back to their lives (which always ALWAYS seem happier, fuller, better than my own) and then you feel empty. Lonely. And so stuck with the same problems.

I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere. I’m aways so hyper alert. Always expecting something to happen, something bad to happen. Not allowing myself to relax. I keep thinking if I do relax then life will kick me in the backside. That reminds me of dad drinking actually. When I was the same, always alert if he was doing it. Hypervigilent.

I was going to go back to the first time it happened and go through my emotions but I can’t tonight. Graham found new job (he lost one and was unemployed). And I should be happy. But of course he can’t drive and I’m worried about him taking buses, getting up early and coming back late.

I did have a strange thought last week though. I realised if I wasn’t with Graham that I would be scared and afraid for someone else as now I KNOW it is inside me, what stops someone else to have a seizure? I realised that’s not outside world it’s inside me which is struggling. That it does not really matter what is happening outside, but it’s inside which needs to be changed. But I lack of knowledge how to change it. I’m just stuck. Stuck in repeating the same thing – I’m scared. I’m sick and tired of feeling scared.

 

Positive affirmations

“We attract to ourselves what we hold inside. Every circumstance, every person, every situation that we attract and experience is based on what is inside of us. Could you ask for a more magnificent system than this?

Your life is a reflection of what you hold inside you, and what you hold inside you is always under your control.”

“The Secret Daily Teachings” Rhonda Byrne

I haven’t written for a while. Things went a bit pear shaped. I think just after my last post I had a bad week of a complete re-lapse of fear and panic. I had panic attacks and complete depression. I was petrified, scared and lonely.

I don’t know how exactly I managed to get up but I have. Things are not perfect. I made myself so busy not to think about stuff that now I have no time to rest and it is not good either. But nevertheless things are a bit better that they were.

I’m still listening to my audiobook “The worry trick” and I still think that the advice given in that book is amazing. I have to go back though and make few notes to put it all into some sort of whole as it’s a bit scatty. I also came across few people talking about positive affirmations and the power of positive thinking. Hence the quote above. I thought I would give it a go. I watched few Polish You Tube videos about it and the lady there said that we should tell ourselves how good we are and how attractive we are and all the positive thoughts. And then someone may say it’s a lie. But when we say to ourselves we are fat ugly and unattractive – we lie as well. So may as well lie positively. And then I thought – why not. Will give it a go.

I found a book with daily teachings and I’m trying to force positive thinking.

I also got a call from Healthy Minds again. I’m not sure if I mentioned it before but I have been now diagnosed with PTSD not quite GAD. So PTSD is a post-traumatic stress disorder. And guess who deals with it – Healthy Mind, same organisation which I have done my CBT therapy with! Why they didn’t diagnose this before I don’t know. But now I’m back to the beginning of the queue as they discarded me after last year therapy so now I have to wait for a therapist to become available. that’s ok though as it’s been such a long time I’m struggling with this that waiting a bit longer is not going to make much difference As long as I’m getting the correct treatment this time! The good thing is they didn’t offer me their lovely online course (which I hated) and I was straight away referred to a fact-to-face therapy.

On top of fighting with my own mood, Graham has lost his job and he is quite down. It’s so difficult to stay strong for others when you don’t feel strong yourself. Sometimes all I want is someone to look after me and hug me so tights and say it will be ok, I’ll look after you and I’ll do it. I’ll take care of it so you don’t have to. I know adulthood is all about responsibility. But I’ve never expected that much of it. It is enough to worry about money and job etc when you add health to it, it all becomes overwhelming.

But, I’m still doing what I’ve been doing. The difficulty is that I am fighting myself. My own mind. When the evening approaches I can feel the thoughts coming to my head, mostly “what ifs” and I can feel them and notice them more and more gathering around my head. At the moment I can manage to stop them converting into panic. But I can’t stop them coming. I can see the normal life happening and I don’t feel the normal life yet. But it is looking into the things you do have and appreciate them.

And then there is always Zentangle 😉

Confused

I haven’t written for some time. It’s been a difficult week. I have got very confused as to what I am actually feeling and what is happening.

My daughter has finally got to see someone at school. One year ago I have applied for counselling for her and only just now she has been given the opportunity to see someone. Part of me thought was it worth going over the things when she has managed to cope with it in herself. But if I didn’t use the chance maybe she would cope with it in a completely wrong way like I have coped with my childhood. I want her to have better life. Better emotional and psychological life.

When speaking with the counselor I discovered few things. She brought up few good points, she understood where I come from. I was a bit afraid she’d say I only waste her time as there are people with real problems out there. I’m not sure if it is such a good thing to actually be considered as “real” problem. But nevertheless I felt understood and listen to.

But during the discussion I was told that I probably was misdiagnosed with GAD (I’m not sure about that one. An hour chat is not really enough to establish that) but I have PTSD. I have felt I had PTSD for a while now. the name for it is “complexed emotional trauma”. I was told to get my GP to do a proper mental health assessment to get a correct treatment.

I have tried to call GP but you can’t really get anywhere with them on Friday. I doubt I get far on Monday too.

I have been doing a lot of self-analysis which I am personally a bit sock of now. I have also tried to join Facebook PTSD groups. I have read a lot online about PTSD… as you do. When I read about it online I do have all the symptomps. The flashbacks, nightmares and constant fear and “alert” state are the worst. Well that’s what PTSD mainly is. But when I read about other people experiences on the Facebook groups… I don’t quite fit there.

On top of it I think I might have lost another friend. It really amazes me how much people cannot take other people’s pain. I don’t know why it only come out now. We were talking about things from last year. Maybe they felt they couldn’t say anything last year as I was “suffering” and now when things got back to normal – they can tell me how much I’ve hurt them. Actually it is a good thing in a way. As by no means I wanted to hurt anyone. but it just shows who your real friends are. Things never go back to normal after things like that. There is no normal. normal has gone! and the new “now” is difficult to cope with. I need to learn what to do and how to do it. I’m extremely grateful to everyone who stood by my side. I said it before and I’d say it again – I would have never done it without my friends. But I’m not fully back to being myself. I don’t focus on others now. There isn’t enough me to make sure everyone knows how grateful I am. There is not enough me to be a good friend possibly. I don’t know how long the healing process will take.

I still feel scared of evenings at home. I feel scared of letting Graham go – in case something will trigger a seizure. I know it is silly. I’m still working on myself and I start to believe it is a matter of time. I’ll get there and I’ll be happy again. I asked today everyone at the table to tell one positive thing which happened today. I didn’t give them any warning about it – but I think I keep doing it.

I also need to re-wind and go back to basics. I need to learn what’s mine and what is someone else’s pain/emotion/fear/worry/hurt. It is theirs. Not mine. I think it will be difficult to change the mindset. but hopefully not impossible 🙂

Be a flamingo in a flock of pigeons

The title isn’t really relevant to anything, but I just like it. I decided to become more creating (even more!) and I set up another blog where I’ll be putting my art designs. I don’t want to mix anxiety and creating. Although I suppose they are blending one into another.

I’m still reading (listening ) the book The Worry Trick. I’m intending to go back and listen again and take notes and write them here. But few things which already bring results. Firstly – I think that listening to the book is actually better as it’s almost like sessions with a therapist. Almost.

So I gave up the idea of tick tacs as I’d eat the whole box, that’s how often I had “what if” thoughts. But it has helped me to realise when and how often they appear. The next thing is AHA approach and scheduled time for worrying. Find two minutes each day (best twice a day) and all you do is worry. And repeat the worry out loud, standing in front of a mirror. This is WIERD. It is really really really uncomfortable. I’ve done it once only. But the point is if a worrying thought come up you have an option to tell yourself you’ll think about it at your appointment with worry. As long as you do show up for the appointments. It’s not about dismissing the thoughts.

AHA approach: Acknowledge the thought, Humour it, Activity. So Acknowledge a thought – that your brain is an organ creating thoughts and it is just another thought it your head. A worry thought, an unpleasant thought but it is just a THOUGHT. Not a prediction of future events, not reality. Only a thought. Then you can humour it – you can make a funny song or write a poem. The author suggests limerick or haiku. I’ve tried limericks 🙂 And then resume usual activity – with the thought. Just carry on life as normal. Maybe go for walk? anything you would be doing anyway. The most difficult in this I found – making an effort to worry. As worry is subconscious activity – a bit like occupying your bored brain. But also it’s not pleasant activity so to do it consciously and purposely is a bit weird. But – practice makes perfect. we will see. Below my limericks

Once I had a scary thought
A seizure will happen in a spot
The world will end
My life won't mend
And I'll certainly loose a plot
My tiredness is winning over
And anxiety creeps up stronger
it won't end I feel
It gives me so much thrill
That it will stay here so much longer
Will I sleep tonight she ponders
Sleeping pills make such wonders
But it a straight way
For a long pill-rely
And it can cause life thunders
I'm scared if my worries tonight
will keep me awake at night
I feel so weak
to put up with this shit
Why I can't be simply all right 

What anxiety is to me

So…. I’ve been thinking again while listening to “The Worry Trick” audiobook by David A. Carbonell PhD. I got this book accidentally – I was browsing Facebook as you do and on my news feed it came up with a free trial of Audible application. It came up with that book as an offer so I tried it.

The book definitely has some good points. I’ve been bookmarking the most important bits and I’m going to listen to it again and write it all down. But I think it described perfectly well how anxiety feels. And it feels strange. I’ve been trying to think when my anxiety started. The author suggests we are born with genetic predisposition or even in-born anxiety. And it is more likely to show itself if one of the parents have anxiety. I think I’ve always been somehow anxious but I thought it was shyness. I had many complexes too so put it towards that. I was always scared of things, like driving for example. I was petrified of driving. But some of the things I overcame.

The difference between a bit of stress and anxiety is how it feels. It paralyses you. It starts with a thought (usually with the “what if”. or something like that) and then it follows with a scenario. The problem is that the scenario seems very realistic. It in facts FEELS realistic. In fact, to me it feels like prediction. For most of my life I actually believed I had the ability to intuitively predict bad events. Now… did I really? Or did I have the feelings of anxiety (without realising what it was) and then I believed it was a prediction? intuition?

If we follow with an example. I get anxious about many things – mainly the seizures which seemed to be the biggest trigger for me ever. They freaked me out. The whole situation went out of control completely. So sometimes I get the feeling that what if Graham has a seizure? And then any justification follows: as it happened before at this time, in the evening, on Sunday etc etc. Then I’d try to argue with myself and say but it’s been such a long time, there was a trigger (chemo) or malnutrition after the surgery, blah blah blah, but the anxiety always wins with two answers: either: the first seizure happened before the chemo OR just because nothing is happening now does not mean it won’t happen again. So, after the little silly conversation with myslef in my head I get more and more scared. I then can SEE and FEEL it happening. In fact, the feelings are soooooooo strong that I can literally be almost 100% that the next thing will happen is the seizure. I can literally feel it happening. I can’t find words which would describe how REAL the feeling is. And the more I think the more I’m scared and then it can lead to a panic.

I don’t particularly like talking about it or even imagine it. But another suggestion in the book was that you can’t “unlearn” anxiety when it’s not there. So in a way – it’s like watching horror movie. The more you watch it – the less scary it becomes….

Yes, have used the word “unlearn” as I don’t agree with fighting with anxiety. Or even overcoming. I now after reading a bit of the book start thinking that it’s something my brain learnt.

It’s not just seizures which trigger me. That’s the biggest trigger. But even before it all happen I can clearly recall the evenings when I had a feeling that something bad is about to happen. That’s’ such a common feeling to me. I actually have to say that writing this has completely unsettled me. I feel very anxious at the moment and scared that I’m going to bring the bad thinking to happen by talking about them. But anyway, the prediction of bad thing. I can’t tell you what exactly bad is supposed to happen but I know it is bad.

And that leads directly to feeling dark, and gloom and depressed. And lonely. I feel sooo lovely when I’m anxious. Everybody’s life seems so perfect. Happy. And full. But not mine. I can’t relax since last year, even when things are fine they are not fully fine – at the back of my head the anxiety is awake. I think that what has mainly changed since the seizures, cancer and chemo. That the anxiety does not go to sleep. It sometimes is more silent and sometimes it screams but it is awake at the back of my head all the time.

But I am determined to find a way to make it sleep again. To unlearn the patterns. I just thought I’d explore first what I am standing against before I tackle it. I started from a suggestion in the book to get a pack of Tic Tac (or anything like that which is countable) and each time a “what if”thought comes to your mind – eat (or throw away) one of the sweets. This is to teach yourself to notice how many times the thoughts happen. I only say that I bought 18g packet of TicTacs with 37 sweets in it… and I just went to Tesco to get some more. I’m supposed to do this exercise for a week at least….. I started this afternoon (after school run) so let say 4pm and now is 9pm and I have 26 sweets left. 5 hours 10 thoughts. And I haven’t even counted the anxious feeling I had writing this post. And it can be anything. It can be even change of the place to sit. I usually sit on the sofa but I’m not sitting at the table and part of me keeps whispering in my head that maybe if I change the seat the seizure will happen. How ridiculous is that?? I can see it is ridiculous, I can be embarrassed it is ridiculous. But I’m still scared 😦 Among everything else – it is very tiring to feel anxious.

New Year

So here we are, completely brand New Year 2019.

I have never liked New Year or any new year resolutions. But I’m optimistic this year. So far 😉 I have made few resolutions. Actually 3 resolutions, two of which are pretty straight forward, while the third one is complicated. And I ‘m going to use this blog to help me achieve the 3rd resolution. Or possibly all of them. Actually I could think of couple more sub-resolutions, but apparently the longer the list is the more difficult to keep up.

  1. Loose weight
  2. Get rid of toxic relationships
  3. work on my anxiety
    1. finish college course
    2. finish all my crafts projects

I think that’s the updated current list of my resolutions. I might have had few others leading to this point but I decided to these. I am going to use this blog to make them happen. I think losing weight unfortunately is pretty straight forward but extremely difficult – eat less, move more.

Getting rid of toxic relationships….. not much more to dwell on either. I wish I could recognise them before they become toxic, that’s all.

ANXIETY though is a huuuuugggeeee subject. I’m so glad I started to write this blog as I can go back to what happen a year ago and kind of step by step follow my way to self-discovery. I never knew I was anxious. When I heard that on one of my therapies it suddenly made sense. I still haven’t been officially diagnosed, but I know that’s what I have – generalised anxiety disorder. And it’s hard to live with it. It is a bit better to live with it knowing what it is. But it is difficult to change your own mindset.

But its always been anxiety. Yes, I have been down and almost depressed. But I overcame that. Anxiety stayed. It is a very very uninvited guest. But I’m going to work on it. I started already but it hasn’t helped hugely. I did my CBT course, which helped but the more time goes on the more difficult it is to actually remember the techniques and it’s easier to slip into old ways of thinking. I tried mindfulness but I haven’t got time for it. I know I should make time but that itself causing anxiety! So, we’ll do it step by step. I made list of all the books I have to help me work on my anxiety. I will list them in a separate post so I can then see how am I doing with progress on reading them. There will be books I just want to read as well. And then I thought I’d make weekly reviews of my week and progress. Some of the books are daily positive quotes and to be fair it is difficult to remember it all, so I think reviewing it weekly and summarising what is the most important will help in progressing.

Dark clouds on a blue sky

A little bit of time has passed again since I last wrote. I’m in a strange mood. Overall I’m fine. I’m not depressed and my anxiety definitely reduced. I have a plan what to do in a case of a set back. Not much is happening in life but that’s ok as I prefer when things are stable. I have enough of ups and downs for a while. I started diet again. I’m trying to be good Monday-Friday but allowing myself for a treat on Sunday. I eat what I want but measure the portions and calories. I know I should introduce more exercises and I used to exercise more but I don’t feel quite in a right set of mind just yet for it. Although I do know that exercise actually does help with feeling better.

But despite all of that…. life doesn’t feel like mine anymore. It’s a really strange thing to describe. It’s difficult to name in proper words. Everything is the same but at the same time it all changed. I think the recent events mainly did it but also I changed due to the events and due to the counselling. I suppose it all needs time. One more quote from the R. Brett book is “give time time” to work. It will take some time for the time to do it’s healing.

I live with a constant fear at the back of my mind that something bad will happen. The fear of a seizure is still there, but I can control it more or less. But so many bad news appeared during this year that I feel I have to be prepared for the worst. Yes, that’s an anxiety itself. I just realised. I prepare myself again to be prepared IN CASE things happen.  That just shows that sometimes writing or naming things helps to look at it from a different perspective.

I think that’s the main problem with an anxiety and depression. It’s being caught up in you own cycle of thoughts and not being able to look from outside. Until it’s starts to crack. Either by time or therapy or complete coincidence or a trauma. When it starts cracking there is a chance. But it’s difficult for it to crack. Throughout the therapy I was afraid that all my exercises and efforts will fail as one day I’ll just go back to the old ways of thinking… but now I realised that once you KNOW  what to do and that there is a different way – it is actually difficult to go back. You may be a long time – in between. Like me, suddenly caught up thinking old ways – but realising it. And after you realise you can do something.

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about friendship. I decided to stop contacting people first and see who will contact me from their own will.. so far not many ha ha.

I don’t know who reads this blog. I doubt anybody does lol I don’t think the person I have in mind certainly does. But I have experience an end to a friendship. A very abrupt end. And I’ve never realised it’s like in a relationship – someone may decide one day it’s not for them for one reason or another and walk out. They may put the blame on you. I don’t feel guilty but I feel very upset it ended as I didn’t see it coming. I know I can’t do anything and need to give this person right to chose what they want. But I do feel upset they think it was my fault. Or maybe it was an excuse to finish the friendship anyway. I was told I didn’t do enough and it’s a very strong thing to say. And it’s a difficult thing to take on when I know I did all I could. I wasn’t given a chance to explain myself. I feel in peace though in my mind. I probably could have done things differently if I KNEW how this situation would turn out. BUT I didn’t know. And also I did what at the time felt right. I only did what I thought was right. I have never ever wanted to hurt my friend. That would have been the last thing on my mind and in fact it would probably never actually gone through my mind. I trusted her and I respected her. I miss her. I miss our friendship. I tend to talk and work through problems. But I have to respect not everybody does. I’m not perfect. I’m far from perfect but I still think even I deserve a second chance…

So that was a black cloud on my blue sky. This year’s events is still a shadow on it. Everyday-ness is still greyish but there are people in much worse situations which much happier attitudes. Time. I just need time and I do believe it all will fall into places.

I just have to keep going and never look back.

Defying Gravity

We went to London to watch The Wicked. It was fabulous and very significant time from many different reasons… it feels like it’s been a very long time between me from last week and me from now.. but it’s only been a week.

First of all I really really loved the show. The cast, singing, the special effects – everything was just amazing! The voice the synchronisation between all the actors – it completely took my breath away 🙂 I really really enjoyed the show.

The one surprising thing for me – the very much “list” person is that I haven’t planned anything! and I felt good about it 😉 we only had the hotel booked but we didn’t even had the tickets for the show (we bought them an hour before) and it was all right. We didn’t plan where and what we eat. It was very nice not to plan actually and just enjoy the time together. We did 21 500 steps!!!! ok ok we lost the way few times and also we left rucksack on the train and had to run back to get it back. Left rucksack on the train in London!!!!!! ha ha ha. But it was good weekend.

My anxiety about seizures was different in different surrounding then home. As soon as I got back it came back in full blow. You can argue that in London I was very busy and quite tired. I finished a night shift on Saturday morning and didn’t sleep till that night after show. So I was shattered. And we had walked so much, Graham was late taking his pill. And yet nothing happened.

I feel strange these days. I felt similar when my father stopped drinking. As he did stop when I was 18. It’s a long story how it happened but mum basically made him ultimatum and almost left him homeless. He stopped. But instead of being happy…. it all went pants. As I didn’t know how to deal with him sober so we argued every day all the time. Similarly but  in a different context I feel at present. The last 7 months I was on high alert. I couldn’t stop even though I was down and fighting with it all but I kept going as Graham wasn’t strong enough to do things and I had to keep going. I did home and work. Yes, I had help and without the help I wouldn’t do it. But when chemo finished this one worry has gone… so everything should be better right? And it is overall… but inside me something gave up. I feel constantly tired and irritable. I feel pulled in so many direction at the same time and my battery gone low. It’s like finally my mind gave up and said I need rest. I can stop now.

It’s been a period of internal total transformation. And I need a rest now. I feel like I’m defying gravity. I need to think of myself first, ask myself what do I really need. I have to believe in myself and get rid of the old believes from my childhood which I haven’t revised.

On the positive I have a list of books to read. And I finally am the closest to finish my quilts as I have ever been.