Yesterday was the first day in six months when I felt… a bit normal. When my anxiety subsided so much that I actually remembered how it is not to worry. It’s a bit like being in the rain and getting drenched and then finally finding an open door and stepping in but still hearing the rain behind you – just a little on the edge.
I just try not to think “what if” – what if seizure happen again or what if the anxiety come back etc etc. I’ve done 6 days of Headspace meditation and I keep working on my behavioural experiments in CBT to stop the thought process causing anxiety. I’m also trying to do things I enjoy and yesterday was baking day 🙂 Lemon buns and Polish fruit sponge with crumble on top. and today it’s sunny! 🙂 so that’s also my positives for this weekend 🙂
As an impulse of a moment I decided to buy a hamster. She’s Russian dwarf hamster. I thought it would help my older daughter to adjust to the difficult situation we are in. She doesn’t like talking about her feelings so maybe if she had a “friend” it would help her. Also maybe life would be less scary. She really warmed up to the idea, thought about names, promised to clean the cage etc etc. Obviously when we finally got it, she cooled down a bit ha ha but hey. That’s life. I spent lots of time reading about taming hamsters… types of hamsters, food for hamsters. You can train your hamsters etc. I tried to approach it today and after giving her few days to get used to us and the new environment I used the chance of cleaning her cage to try and handle her. Nothing is as easy as it seems.
But maybe that’s part of my answers. Maybe in life nothing comes just like that and we need to put some effort into things to achieve success. I have to say the hamster didn’t bite me but she was nowhere near feeling comfortable or liked being handled. She was petrified. It will take a lot of time to become friends. And my excitement got a bit less. I was feeling fed up a bit. I think it’s a part of my character I’ve never before realised. I didn’t know I have problem facing troubles. I thought I was strong and facing difficulties with pride. The last six months was a very deep journey inside myself. It’s amazing how little we know ourselves.
What’s happiness? Today it’s sunshine, new Pusheen cup and coffee, own grown strawberries and my cats 🙂
Today is chemo number 6. It’s 3 more to go but we know now what is coming. How much we didn’t want to go it’s even difficult to imagine. I’m anticipating the worst. But maybe this time I am prepared? I can’t quite work out if I feel better and stronger or I am letting myself fall into the false sense of security….
It is good apparently to find at least one positive in a day and mine are listed above.
What this chemo brings we will see. Hopefully whatever it is I can cope better.
An achievement. I actually baked something and it was nice 🙂 I can’t remember when I enjoyed my hobbies and when I felt like doing something and it wasn’t a chore. So here we go my Bakewell tart 🙂