Dark clouds on a blue sky

A little bit of time has passed again since I last wrote. I’m in a strange mood. Overall I’m fine. I’m not depressed and my anxiety definitely reduced. I have a plan what to do in a case of a set back. Not much is happening in life but that’s ok as I prefer when things are stable. I have enough of ups and downs for a while. I started diet again. I’m trying to be good Monday-Friday but allowing myself for a treat on Sunday. I eat what I want but measure the portions and calories. I know I should introduce more exercises and I used to exercise more but I don’t feel quite in a right set of mind just yet for it. Although I do know that exercise actually does help with feeling better.

But despite all of that…. life doesn’t feel like mine anymore. It’s a really strange thing to describe. It’s difficult to name in proper words. Everything is the same but at the same time it all changed. I think the recent events mainly did it but also I changed due to the events and due to the counselling. I suppose it all needs time. One more quote from the R. Brett book is “give time time” to work. It will take some time for the time to do it’s healing.

I live with a constant fear at the back of my mind that something bad will happen. The fear of a seizure is still there, but I can control it more or less. But so many bad news appeared during this year that I feel I have to be prepared for the worst. Yes, that’s an anxiety itself. I just realised. I prepare myself again to be prepared IN CASE things happen.  That just shows that sometimes writing or naming things helps to look at it from a different perspective.

I think that’s the main problem with an anxiety and depression. It’s being caught up in you own cycle of thoughts and not being able to look from outside. Until it’s starts to crack. Either by time or therapy or complete coincidence or a trauma. When it starts cracking there is a chance. But it’s difficult for it to crack. Throughout the therapy I was afraid that all my exercises and efforts will fail as one day I’ll just go back to the old ways of thinking… but now I realised that once you KNOW  what to do and that there is a different way – it is actually difficult to go back. You may be a long time – in between. Like me, suddenly caught up thinking old ways – but realising it. And after you realise you can do something.

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about friendship. I decided to stop contacting people first and see who will contact me from their own will.. so far not many ha ha.

I don’t know who reads this blog. I doubt anybody does lol I don’t think the person I have in mind certainly does. But I have experience an end to a friendship. A very abrupt end. And I’ve never realised it’s like in a relationship – someone may decide one day it’s not for them for one reason or another and walk out. They may put the blame on you. I don’t feel guilty but I feel very upset it ended as I didn’t see it coming. I know I can’t do anything and need to give this person right to chose what they want. But I do feel upset they think it was my fault. Or maybe it was an excuse to finish the friendship anyway. I was told I didn’t do enough and it’s a very strong thing to say. And it’s a difficult thing to take on when I know I did all I could. I wasn’t given a chance to explain myself. I feel in peace though in my mind. I probably could have done things differently if I KNEW how this situation would turn out. BUT I didn’t know. And also I did what at the time felt right. I only did what I thought was right. I have never ever wanted to hurt my friend. That would have been the last thing on my mind and in fact it would probably never actually gone through my mind. I trusted her and I respected her. I miss her. I miss our friendship. I tend to talk and work through problems. But I have to respect not everybody does. I’m not perfect. I’m far from perfect but I still think even I deserve a second chance…

So that was a black cloud on my blue sky. This year’s events is still a shadow on it. Everyday-ness is still greyish but there are people in much worse situations which much happier attitudes. Time. I just need time and I do believe it all will fall into places.

I just have to keep going and never look back.

We live in a sea of troubles

It has been few days since I’ve last written. It’s been busy. It’s been emotional. There have been good and bad news. And that’s life I suppose. I’ve said many times that I would have not be able to survive through the last most difficult times in my life without my friends. It’s been mainly counselling which helped me to deal with my mind but it were friends who didn’t let me to give up and go insane. And sometimes it’s very difficult to have misunderstandings with the people who helped you the most. It is difficult to know how to deal with things. When is the time to reach out and time to wait. I suppose as a part of my generalised anxiety disorder I tend to try and resolve things there and then. I will message and reach out and over explain things just to be certain of the outcome. But it isn’t always a good way. And it is difficult for me to be accused of something I haven’t done (or rather when my actions were interpreted in a way I haven’t even think they would be). It’s difficult not to reach out and try to explain what happened. But not all people think like me. Some of them need time. Also sometimes outcomes are unpredictable (yes, I wish I could predict all things in life or see them coming as then uncertainty would go). But I can’t predict everything. Or in fact, I can predict very little indeed.

But I made a small progress. I didn’t read a menu before going to a restaurant (yes, I’ve always pre-read menu so I knew what I was having!). I also did go out one evening for couple of hours with a friend (which is a success as I haven’t done it in 7 months). I haven’t made any plans about a picnic before a zoo trip and made last minute decisions! It’s many small steps for me. I know it may sound ridiculous to someone but for me it is actually quite important.

I also realised I have two many hobbies and too little time. I started learning Spanish but haven’t finished. Or continued. I started sewing my quilt (I don’t think I’ve written about the quilt? it may need a separate post). I also bought myself painting with diamonds kit and decided to go back to drawing flowers but increase my technique by actually using watercolours….. you can’t really do too many things. Best is to concentrate on one. I should definitely start from the quit as that’s the longest awaiting project.

And on top of everything I also found out that mum has some health problems and I cannot go to Poland now. She may have a surgery in nearest future and I will try to go then. But now with Graham chemo I simply cannot leave him with children.

We did try a night without someone else in the house. I was stressed. But it all went ok. I was more stressed for my daughter – as when I was little, maybe 12-13 my mum used to go on trips abroad and leave me with dad who was drinking. He wouldn’t go to work and drunk 7 days straight to the point when he was crawling on the floor as he couldn’t walk. He would ask me to check on him if he is still breathing. I suppose that could add to my fear of seizures. But I do remember how I hated her going. So when I see my daughter being scared to stay with Graham I can see my fear in her eyes. But Graham is ill and not doing it on purpose and life has to go on. So I have made some arrangements which would notify me if something happens. I am also considering getting her a mobile phone to use under certain conditions only, just to make her feel safe.

And there is last chemo in 3 days. LAST CHEMO!!! We haven’t had seizures now for 8 weeks which is the longest. They tend to happen every other cycle 1st, 3rd and 5th so we thought the 7th would be the one.. but it wasn’t. So it could be that the reduced dose of chemo is too low to cause them. It could be that the anti epileptic drug is working. OR the chemo may build up and maybe they will happen after the last cycle. I don’t know. I also don’t know if me feeling better is all the techniques I learnt or simply the time…. and how would I react if it does happen. Would I be really stronger by all the techniques I learnt? or would I have a major major set back?

I don’t know. But I’m hoping to enjoy the next two days, one of which happens to be my birthday. And I’m just going to remember is it the LAST chemo.



About everything and nothing

It’s been interesting week. I got caught up in an anxiety circle from a completely new point. I felt fed up with watching my thoughts constantly, I lost the energy to work on myself, I stop headspace 😦 I just felt I needed a break from it all. I spoke about that on my CBT therapy and realised that my anxiety creeped up on me even here, I just started to do my regular anxiety circle on my work to reduce anxiety!!! it’s so confusing. I have to say it upset me. There will be of course up and downs, it’s not a straight line process.

I had a homework to actually stay up longer then Graham one night and face my fears. I wasn’t staying longer up then him as I was too anxious and preferred to sleep as it would stop me thinking about this…. I didn’t 😦 I didn’t do my homework. What’s more old emotions from things that happened a year ago started to resurface again. I forgot about things as the seizures where my number one. But now I start to come back to the emotions from the past which I haven’t dealt with yet.

Is everybody so emotional?? I think it’s just me. I literally live through emotions and usually guilt. But speaking of which… that seem to improve. I had an incident at work which I would usually react with a strong guilt afterwards. But I didn’t. I asked myself few questions: was I rude? no. Was I personal? no. Do I believe I was right? yes. And I didn’t feel guilty at all. I know that social situation like that would normally knock me down completely, I actually behaved sensible. I’m proud of that 😉 but now just deal with the personal aspects.

I do see the world through negative glasses. It’s been taken up from my childhood I believe. Or maybe even from the general Polish culture. I wonder if there is a process of re-teaching yourself to see more positive (apart from just remembering to do that every day lol). I feel it could be the answer. If you see a positive you think positive.

I’m slightly antisocial last few days. Yes, I’m working nights again and I’m very tired. I just used to never trust people. I don’t think it help me to make new friendships, but at least I was more or less constant. I presume everybody sooner or later would hurt me (as unfortunately that’s what I learnt as a child). But then I met my husband, I met really nice and good and wonderful people, made new friendships. I know that nobody is all good or all bad. We all make mistakes. We all make wrong decisions. And that’s normal, that’s life, that’s learning process. But I have a slight problem when people make wrong decisions which relate to me. Because it hurts. And it doesn’t hurt just one day there and then. It drugs behind you. I think overall I was better not trusting people. That is sad. I can’t just expose myself to being stabbed, I just can’t. It takes me so long to heal thats’ simply not worth it.

I feel a bit lost. I’m not down or actually I’m not as anxious as I used to be. But as I say, dealing with old problems of hurt feelings, then all the Graham health problems and learning new way of thinking – it all drains literally all energy out of me. I just need to find a way out – a way of escape from it all. Sewing is one thing. I used to paint. I used to put music on and paint or draw. I used to draw mainly flowers, but my brother then criticised me and said it was pointless as nobody famous draws only one things. And I stopped. I like being creative though.

So the plan is to get back to do homework from counselling, see more positive in life and it’s time for ME time. What do I want? not everybody else. I need to listen to myself, what actually I do want. What makes me feel comfortable. As I have only one life and it would be silly to live it the way other people want.