It’s all about small steps, spring and well-being

In my last post I said I’d write about few things. I said I’d reflect on holidays, diet, applications and the course I’ve been to. It would be too long for one post so I think I’ll concentrate on the course and holidays first.

I love spring. When the weather becomes nicer and the flowers start flowering I think the world is a better place. And although I do feel better I still get my usual fears. So even though I love spring, the feeling this morning reminded me of last year summer when Graham had chemo and then the memories keep coming back. And then it’s just an easy way to remember seizures and here we go again. The memories are so vivid.

But the fear is not as overwhelming. And it’s not as overhelming not because it became so much better. I think I learn better ways to cope with it. But if I let my mind go wild,  it will overpower me easy and quickly. It feels a bit like an animal in a cage. Exactly this – a wild anima in a cage. But it is still there, still alive and still wild. Maybe I should give it a name?

I still struggle to fall asleep. I’ve found Melatonin a great help. I went recently to Poland where it is widely available. And actually recommended for shift (especially night shift) workers. But what I found really interesting is that in Poland I had absolutely no problems sleeping. No fear.  The holiday was actually so relaxing – I relaxed more than I imagined. Or hoped. And I don’t know if it is because all what happened last year happened in my house in UK. So I have no bad memories in mum’s house in Poland. Or maybe it was the thought that there was someone else with me in the house (mum). So I didn’t feel alone. Maybe it’s the feeling of being alone which is daunting. So although I do know that mum wouldn’t be much help in an emergency situation… maybe just knowing I wasn’t alone was enough. But I have rested and I have relaxed. I haven’t relaxed mentally so well in ages. I could say that my fear-wild-animal in the cage was asleep.

But on the positive –  since I’ve been back I attended a Wellbeing at work course. It was work related but we have talked about wellbeing in physical and mental sense. We were also discussing what’s available in my place of work but also in general what is good for our wellbeing overall.

I thought I’d summarise few things here so I wont’ forget what’s been said.

First of all change – The less we think of condition (reason) the less likely we are going to make changes. People continue to practice unhealthy behaviours because of incorrect perception about the risk they bring. If you perceive condition/reason as serious – you will more likely change habits.

We should be doing 30min of physical activity five times per week. And we need many different types of exercise, yoga, body pump, spinning or resistance exercise (I need to check what resistance exercise is and how can I fit it into my routine!). I was also thinking of doing some yoga. Need to check yoga CDs or books. Or you tube. I’m not very good with YouTube I have to admit.

The other thing for me to check is Dr Jayson Funj and his recommendation about fasting. Which would go nicely with my low carb diet and book by Tom Kerridge. So, just to touch on that – 25th of March I started low carb diet. I knew Tom Kerridge lost a lot of weight but I didn’t know that he did exactly that. Low carb diet. I got his book as it was a very good price on Kindle… only about £2!! so recipe book is not the best on Kindle but  hey, beggars can’t be choosers!! I got inspired by his introduction and advice. I think it summarises the diet very well. I only glimpsed on the recipes so far, but will have a proper look later. They use quite a few fairly expensive and fancy ingredients so not sure how well it will suit me.

Apparently Happiness is 50% genetics, 40% our control and only 10% external circumstances. I’m not sure what can or can’t we do about the genetics, but 40% in our hands is huge, isn’t it?? And we are not happy when we are stressed or worried. I had no idea that a stress curve existed. Because when we don’t have enough stress – we are in stagnation, have no motivation to do anything. The same if we have too much stress – we start to have physical symptoms and be unhappy which can lead us to being Overstressed and eventually to a mental breakdown. So the point is to keep ourselves in the middle – it’s always about balance. Too little stress isn’t good for us either. I have not really thought that some stress is needed. It motivates us. So we can have many activities to manage stress. We tend to do things to di-stress. We can do things like walking, yoga, reading, meeting up friends – which cover up the stress but don’t take it away (called palliative). Or we could for example drink more alcohol or eat chocolate – they help us feel better for a short while but the stress does come back and they can be harmful (called Indirect activities). And finally we could do meditation or mindfulness for example which would be a Direct activity which helps us acknowledge the problems and improve the situation.

It is recommended to have a selection of palliative type activities so we don’t rely only on one. They help us to reduce stress. I think it also works for worrying and anxiety. That leads us to the Fight or Flight response of our brain. I admit this is something I have to look into more. But one sentence I’ve heard which caught my attention was: in stress our mind can manage only two decisions – it either fights or flight. And nowadays, in current society exposure to prolonged stress keeps our mind in that state for too long. Plus neither of them really works. You can’t fight or flight really from your problems. To help ourselves dealing with stress it is recommended to increase physical activity or keep stress diary and mindfulness.

Interestingly we covered a bit of CBT as well.

We have an event A and we have it’s consequences C. And event makes us feel in a certain way. But in between A and C is – B our perception of the event which can change the consequences. This is a pause. In fact instead of REACTING to an event we should pause and learn to RESPOND to it. it is so powerful, isn’t it? We have a choice how we RESPOND. And the way we respond we can learn. Pause is good. We can re-train our mind.

I think I’ve written it before here but it comes back to the positive affirmation and law of attraction. If you say something often enough you will believe in it. And we tend to do that we negative things and take them as facts. “I’m useless”, “I’m fat, ugly, worthless” etc etc But instead let’s talk to ourselves “I’m pretty, sexy, intelligent”. Why do we believe more ourselves talking negative things than positive?? I’m sooo guilty of it. But actually – why do I repeat to myself all those negative comments and BELIEVE in them but when I try to say something positive I dismiss it straight away. Oh no, let’s try it. Let’s talk to ourselves positively and imagine if only it’s true – if we repeat it often enough we may actually believe in it as well 🙂

Thoughts are not facts. Especially negative as they can cause more harm. Change your mind, imagine you are in a court and put your thoughts for a judgement. Challenge your thoughts like in a court. What evidence do we have it is true? Our brains have a negative bias.

We are spending too much time to try to control things we have no control over. What we can’t change we need to accept and try not to make judgement. That brings us up to John Kabat Zinn as someone who brought us mindfulness. And as in a circle  – brings me back to Headspace. Meditation. Something I started last year and stopped.

And just to end this rather long post, apparently we should be doing 3 things each day to promote mental wellbeing.

  1. something which makes us happy
  2. something which gives us sense of achievement (even small, like cleaning, knitting etc)
  3. something which makes us close to someone, intimate (can also be small – to open up to someone or even just stroke a cat

There are also 5 ways to wellbeing. CLANG

  1. C – CONNECT friends, family, relationship at work or outside
  2. L – LEARN learn something new
  3. A – ACTIVE physical exercise
  4. N – NOTICE take a notice, mindfulness, be in a moment, practice gratitude, consciously think of few things you are grateful for
  5. G – GIVE give to others, but don’t forget to give to yourself too.

But if I go back to the beginning, where I said that my PTSD/anxiety – my fear – I cope with it better. If I look back – I did unconsciously exactly what’s been recommended in the course. I love my friends and appreciate friendships so much in life. I try to learn something new – I signed for swimming lessons and I do mean to learn Spanish. I try to be more active. I practice gratitude and positive thinking. And I learnt to give and be kind to myself. And I think the diet helps as well.

So overall – small steps. It’s all about small steps. You can’t overcome fear and anxiety all at once. And that’s what I wanted to do. But the small step technique is like a water going around a stone. If it goes long enough it will finally make a change.

Happy Easter if you celebrate! 🙂

 

Life is too short for long pity parties

“Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living or get busy dying”.

That’s the most inspirational quote I’ve read recently. It’s been a while since my last post and a lot has happened. I was thinking of writing sooner but I needed a right moment to be able to summarise everything.

Things are different. I got to the stage late August when I had to switch off something as I felt really pulled in all directions. I needed to rest and re-charge batteries and think what’s important. What’s worth concentrating on. What actually caused me to react like that was someone saying to me “I thought it finished now”. It’s quite common I think for people to think: ok so you had a rough time and now it’s finished, chemo finished… it’s all fine then, right? Well… no, actually it’s not that simple. Yes, I’ve been waiting all year pretty much for this nightmare to finish. And it has and ok so now what? Life is never going to be the same. Cancer is something which changes you and your family forever. You can’t go back to before cancer. You KNOW about it now. You revaluate your life. Your life is different.

When my father passed away I noticed something which now applies to few other situations in life. When he died, people all of the sudden decided into those who KNOW and those who DON’T. People who get it as they have been there themselves and those who haven’t got an idea. It’s not to say that those who don’t know, cannot be at the same time very friendly, understanding and empathic. But they haven’t been through the same.

Things did built up at the end of chemo, but I didn’t crumble. I put myself first and realised what I need and I did it. I felt proud of myself. I started to stand up for myself and believe that I can be right. I started to believe in myself rather then others.

I havne’t been at work for 3 weeks, I switched off that completely. It helped to narrow the  things which were happening. We went on holidays and I drove first time on motorways and did few hundred miles there and back! I was sooooo proud of myself. I can do that! I even kind of liked driving on motorways. Something I didn’t expected.

When we got back and I returned to work I realised I actually got now something in a shape of coping strategies. I have never been able to use them before. I learnt to understand that feelings are not me. I have feelings and they are temporary. It’s ok to feel frustrated, it’s ok to feel angry and it’s ok to feel worried at times.

It wouldn’t be possible without the counselling I had. I have finished now my CBT therapy, I have a catch up meeting in 3 months time to decide if I can be discharged. I have had a break in counselling as well due to holidays but I’m still continuing that. But I also discovered Katie Piper. I discovered her before the Strictly Come Dancing actually. A very long time ago I saved some programmes I thought were interesting on my favourites on Channel 4 application. And she happened to present one of them. I then researched her story and starting reading her autobiography. And then she actually announced she was taking part in Strictly. I so wanted to write to her but it’s pointless now when she is in the TV show as I’m sure she gets lots of post anyway. But I do admire her not because she is inspirational and she went through hell (and she did, and she is inspirational) but my magnet was the way she cope with anxiety. The way she described how she felt was exactly what I was writing here. I have minor PTSD no doubt. And I realised that people fall and get up from much more difficult blows that life gives them. And that what happened to us wasn’t good but it is definitely possible to lift yourself up. It’s all in your mind and attitude. You have to work hard though, nothing come easy. I definitely felt confused and had many moments of this not working. But then slowly things started to fall back together.

I was also recommended a wonderful wonderful book by Regina Brett “God never blinks”. It’s 50 lessons for life and they are amazing. Out of 50 everybody can find the ones closer to their hearts but the one which stood up for me is the one opening this post. Life is too short for long pity parties.

Ok life isn’t perfect and I know the road is not yet complete. I still have little set backs. I still feel very very vulnerable. I still don’t know if the seizures will return and if they do how would I react. BUT I have now moments when I think they aren’t as scary as I kept thinking before. Only moments thought but it’s an improvement.

Going back to work is difficult as my older daughter developed separation anxiety and she shows classic signs of anxiety now. And I don’t want her to be like me but I don’t quite know yet how to deal with it. So, things aren’t as easy as it may seem but I decided to play the positivity card. Let’s get busy living, not dying.

 

 

Chemo cycles

I’ve been thinking of writing for a while but there was always something coming up…. I was going to start before the chemo session to say how scared we both were. Graham even said “from all the session this one I’m scared the most of”. Me too. I wasn’t sure if the 25% reduced dose they did on cycle 6 was going to cumulate now and it all would go wrong. Cycle 7 was horrible in terms of Graham’s arm pain – he expected worse now. And I feared the seizures returning.

All the chemo cycles were different. There weren’t two the same. First cycle was probably less scary as we didn’t know what was coming. If I think now back to February/March this year, I really don’t know how I survived. I was so deeply depressed. I cried driving in the car. I almost had an accident. I didn’t see anything positive at all. It was truly horrible and black time. First cycle was difficult as he had full dose of chemo with all the regular antisickness medication and full dose of steroids. He had three seizures on Friday night after the treatment. They were horrible. Seizure one was about midnight then he went back to sleep, seizure two was about 1.5 hour later and he was slowly waking up from it and seizure 3 was later but he didn’t gain consciousness for such a long time that I did rung 111. They send an ambulance. One of my friends came at 2am in the morning to be with me and I’ll never forget that. The next day was meant to be Graham’s father and brother birthday party but Graham was nowhere near state to go. He slept the whole day after to regain energy.

Cycle 2 was the best from all I’d say. It didn’t affect his much at all. Apart from the neuropathy – as the Oxaliplatin is affecting Graham’s nerves badly. He has hypersensitivity to cold, cannot touch cold things. And has a risk of laryngospasm when breathing cold air (funny, the first cycle was in the middle of the biggest snow fall in UK in years). Graham’s arm hurt from the IV chemo.

Cycle 3 was bad again. He felt very very sick to the point he actually was physically sick – that’s the only cycle when it happened. He didn’t eat or drink much. And on top of it the chemo tiredness was strong. He was managing without any steroids or antisickenss medication as they all have epileptic fits as side effects. The seizures came back anyway, a bit later. Two in a row. Maybe only two as I did manage to keep him awake after the last one. Yet again my friend came and stayed with us.

Cycle 4…. was ok. I can’t remember anything significant from that one apart from that it was in the middle, so not the beginning not the end. It was dragging. The nausea was bad. Overall it wasn’t as good as cycle 2, but we got through it.

Cycle 5 was bad again. They started Graham on new antisickness medication which looked expensive to me. They did it because he wasn’t coping with the nausea without any medication. I checked and seizures weren’t one of the side effects on the new anti sickness. Hot flashes and seizures came back. They came in the evening the day after chemo. Two this time. The only one I haven’t witness myself but his brother was with me and actually second seizure happened next to him when I was at work. Yet again the rest from it took few days.

Cycle 6… reduced dose 25% was better. Sickness was still there, arm pain was still there. Neuropathy was getting worse. The pin and needles in the arm and tingling was still there and getting stronger.

Cycle 7 … the arm pain was unbearable and lasted soooo long. As Graham’s brother said Graham was “more vertical then horizontal” during it. It was almost the last one… ALMOST makes such a difference. So close but yet so far.

Cycle 8… now. the last one. Whatever happens you can think it’s the last time we feel like that. But the fear is there. And last time or not Graham still has to go through it. But it does help it’s the last one. LAST. I can’t believe we are almost there. For me it won’t be the end until the last tablet he takes.

But what next? Life is the same but everything has changed. Everything.

We live in a sea of troubles

It has been few days since I’ve last written. It’s been busy. It’s been emotional. There have been good and bad news. And that’s life I suppose. I’ve said many times that I would have not be able to survive through the last most difficult times in my life without my friends. It’s been mainly counselling which helped me to deal with my mind but it were friends who didn’t let me to give up and go insane. And sometimes it’s very difficult to have misunderstandings with the people who helped you the most. It is difficult to know how to deal with things. When is the time to reach out and time to wait. I suppose as a part of my generalised anxiety disorder I tend to try and resolve things there and then. I will message and reach out and over explain things just to be certain of the outcome. But it isn’t always a good way. And it is difficult for me to be accused of something I haven’t done (or rather when my actions were interpreted in a way I haven’t even think they would be). It’s difficult not to reach out and try to explain what happened. But not all people think like me. Some of them need time. Also sometimes outcomes are unpredictable (yes, I wish I could predict all things in life or see them coming as then uncertainty would go). But I can’t predict everything. Or in fact, I can predict very little indeed.

But I made a small progress. I didn’t read a menu before going to a restaurant (yes, I’ve always pre-read menu so I knew what I was having!). I also did go out one evening for couple of hours with a friend (which is a success as I haven’t done it in 7 months). I haven’t made any plans about a picnic before a zoo trip and made last minute decisions! It’s many small steps for me. I know it may sound ridiculous to someone but for me it is actually quite important.

I also realised I have two many hobbies and too little time. I started learning Spanish but haven’t finished. Or continued. I started sewing my quilt (I don’t think I’ve written about the quilt? it may need a separate post). I also bought myself painting with diamonds kit and decided to go back to drawing flowers but increase my technique by actually using watercolours….. you can’t really do too many things. Best is to concentrate on one. I should definitely start from the quit as that’s the longest awaiting project.

And on top of everything I also found out that mum has some health problems and I cannot go to Poland now. She may have a surgery in nearest future and I will try to go then. But now with Graham chemo I simply cannot leave him with children.

We did try a night without someone else in the house. I was stressed. But it all went ok. I was more stressed for my daughter – as when I was little, maybe 12-13 my mum used to go on trips abroad and leave me with dad who was drinking. He wouldn’t go to work and drunk 7 days straight to the point when he was crawling on the floor as he couldn’t walk. He would ask me to check on him if he is still breathing. I suppose that could add to my fear of seizures. But I do remember how I hated her going. So when I see my daughter being scared to stay with Graham I can see my fear in her eyes. But Graham is ill and not doing it on purpose and life has to go on. So I have made some arrangements which would notify me if something happens. I am also considering getting her a mobile phone to use under certain conditions only, just to make her feel safe.

And there is last chemo in 3 days. LAST CHEMO!!! We haven’t had seizures now for 8 weeks which is the longest. They tend to happen every other cycle 1st, 3rd and 5th so we thought the 7th would be the one.. but it wasn’t. So it could be that the reduced dose of chemo is too low to cause them. It could be that the anti epileptic drug is working. OR the chemo may build up and maybe they will happen after the last cycle. I don’t know. I also don’t know if me feeling better is all the techniques I learnt or simply the time…. and how would I react if it does happen. Would I be really stronger by all the techniques I learnt? or would I have a major major set back?

I don’t know. But I’m hoping to enjoy the next two days, one of which happens to be my birthday. And I’m just going to remember is it the LAST chemo.

 

 

Tomorrow

It’s World Cup at the moment and England is playing Colombia. It went to extra time so at the moment it’s 1:1. I though I’d write something while it’s still 30min when my husband is not present in mind lol

Tomorrow he won’t be present again but because of chemo. I was doing so very very well. I had a small/big victory or achievement yesterday. I was so tired that by the evening felt everything was just confusing and I didn’t know anymore what to feel, what to think, what’s right or wrong. I felt my anxiety rising… but I managed to tell myself – it’s not your reality. It’s your mind playing tricks on you, go to sleep and tomorrow it will be different. And I did and it was different this morning 🙂

Unfortunately I haven’t had enough rest and today I’m tired too and I’ve had quite busy day and my mind plays tricks on me again 😦 I do feel anxious again. I think it’s because the chemo tomorrow. We sort of expect the seizures but hope they won’t happen. As so far they happened 1st 3rd and 5th cycle and now it’s 7th…. it’s nothing scientific and I don’t know any medical reason why they wouldn’t happened like that. Maybe it’s 5 week time and it’s just a trigger or maybe they wouldn’t happened anyway. Maybe they won’t happen ever again and maybe the medication is working. It’s all maybes and I do know very very well that it’s not worth thinking about it as it’s no point worrying about things which are not under my control.

I also had an interesting session today which made me realise how much I plan everything, how much I organise my life – from knowing what is going to happen the net day to weekly dinner planner. I hate surprises. I’ve never connected it with anxiety but it does of course make sense – plan so there is no uncertainty. Bingo.

I need to work in small steps to expose myself to uncertainty but it’s difficult to concentrate on it when such a big event is coming tomorrow. I’m a bit lost. I don’t want to take a step back and have a set back.

I do realise very well though that the seizures are just a trigger. I’m not actually scared of them but the fact they are so unpredictable is what sets off my anxiety. In fact, on my better days I even had times when I wasn’t scared of them at all.

But today I have a worse day, I’m still tired, I have a headache and I’m some how naturally worried about the chemo tomorrow. And that does not help with me working on my GAD. I do find this sometimes sooo difficult 😦

Confused

I have to say I’m extremely confused. The last six months were the most confusing, emotional, difficult and extremely hard period I’ve ever had to deal with…. it was not only dealing with serious health conditions and new diagnosis but mostly dealing with myself and discovering truth about my personality. It’s been a long and exhausting journey inside myself which I now find so tiring and literally with no energy to live. Not in a very pessimistic way, like I’m going to give up but more in a way that all my energy went into explorating my personality and going into the reasons for the way I feel that I have, that I have no energy left to deal with anything else. I feel constantly, constantly tired.

I’ve learnt that I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder. Which means that the most probably why I couldn’t get to the bottom of my fear of seizures was that… it wasn’t really fear of them but they were a trigger for my anxiety.

I’ve always been surrounded by negativity. My father was an alcoholic. Not a big deal you say. And most Polish drink so it’s unfortunately a childhood most of us Polish people experienced. And sadly not only Polish. But my dad was hiding that he was drinking and I knew all the places he was hiding vodka. He was lying denying he drunk even though we all could clearly see he has. My earliest memory of childhood is my mum putting me to bed, when I saw on the corridor dad crawling from the toilet to his bedroom. So I asked what was wrong, why he was doing it and my mum answer “daddy is not feeling well”. He promised me every Christmas he would stay sober and he never did. He was driving drunk, sometimes with me in the car. I hated him. I wanted him to die. It was a constant embarrassment, I couldn’t invite anybody home, I didn’t want my friends to see him like that. I was ashamed. And if you add to it that Poland isn’t a very tolerant (or wasn’t very tolerant at the time) country – and me being on the chubby side, I was laughed at on the street by kids and adults. I had a very very very low self esteem. I didn’t believe I was pretty, I didn’t believe anybody would love me. I didn’t believe I was good at anything. I thought that the reason for all bad in the house was dad. Because dad drunk.

But he stopped and we actually managed to have a little bit of nice time together. After a period when I was adjusting to actually seeing him sober. But anyway he passed away 10 years after he stopped drinking. Not from a liver disease, funny enough, but from COPD. His lungs given up on him. And that slowly changed everything. I was already in England, so the process separating from home and his death made me discovered new truth, the truth I’m discovering till today.

If you think about a child with huge complexes who’s one parent is unavailable to talk to be a role model, the child would turn into the other parent for support. I thought I was very close to my mum. But it was a strange relationship. I don’t want to accuse my mum of anything. I’m sure she did the best she believed at the time. And she was shaped by her parents and circumstances. Quite possibly her mum did to her what she did to me. Completely unintentionally. And I’m sure if I ever was in a need she’d give her last clothes and food so I would be warm and fed. But what she didn’t do is she has never taught me coping strategies to deal with problems. She is very negative. She’s very neurotic and anxious person. She was using a lot of emotional blackmail. I never believed in my opinion, I always took hers as the right one. She told me to put other people first and many times called me egoistic if I didn’t put others (mainly her) first.

Only just now I realised how much I was influenced by her. Not by dad. Maybe dad taught me what a lie is and what an addict can do to you and your family. That is probably why I’ve never smoked or drunk too much, which overall isn’t a bad thing. I might have missed some fun in my teenage years, but I had too many complexes anyway to do it properly.

But mum gave me GAD and the problems I have now. And I’ve only just realised how big and long journey it is in front of me to make it all straight. And probably I’ll never completely get rid of it as it’s my personality. This is my coping strategy to problems. GAD and avoidance. Or running away. It’s a long way ahead of me.

2008-2018

I thought 2008 was a difficult year when in just over 12 months I become a wife, a mother and a fatherless child. It was tough.

But ten years later, in 2018 within just over six months I seem to become and expert in cancer, chemo, epilepsy and hamsters!

Who would’ve thought?

Mid June

Graham had his 6th chemo cycle last Wednesday. I have to say my anxiety was sky high knowing what does happen after last chemo. Especially that last time he started so well and then all of the sudden “crushed” down and had seizures and was unable to do anything for a week.

They have reduced his doze this time to 75%. He seemed to cope well. I’ve worked 4 nights and noticed that when I’m tired after nights my anxiety goes up.

It’s World Cup as well so we have 3 games in a row on TV now. At least he’s happy. At least I suppose the resting after chemo makes some sense. And I don’t mind. I’m not football fan but I like seeing him happy. Well at least as much as he can be.

It wasn’t all good, he still felt washed out and sick. And the over-sensitivity to cold is just awful. His hands and arms are aching all the time. He has pins and needles and cannot touch cold things as they give him electric shock. There is a risk it would never go away and his peripheral nerves would be destroyed forever. But we have 2 more cycles left.

It’s a strange situation. I was even told I may have Generalised Anxiety Disorder. I can explain to myself perfectly well all sensible answers. I can say there is NOTHING I can do. There is no point in worrying as it doesn’t change anything. I know that if things are all right I should take it as a gift and enjoy. But I worry that something bad may happen. Anything. I don’t even know why WHY I see seizures as something that BAD. It’s not pleasant but we come across many unpleasant things in life and kind of deal with it. It’s scary but I’ve seen 9 of them so I suppose it’s not new. I have a feeling if I let myself believe that things are better I’ll get very disappointed soon and then I’ll have another set back. And yes, I dealt with them before so I can deal with another one but I still feel anxious. I’m trying to work on the anxiety cycle and break it but it does take time. Sometimes I even worry a bit that I don’t worry. As I did have days I was actually calmer.

I certainly didn’t expect such a journey inside myself this year. I didn’t expect such a bumpy ride through life this year either. I’m at a bit of a numb point at the moment where I have really no idea which way it will all go. I also have hope and apparently it’s good to have hope but I don’t want to fall crushing down and get bruised again.

Happiness

What’s happiness? Today it’s sunshine, new Pusheen cup and coffee, own grown strawberries and my cats 🙂

Today is chemo number 6. It’s 3 more to go but we know now what is coming. How much we didn’t want to go it’s even difficult to imagine. I’m anticipating the worst. But maybe this time I am prepared? I can’t quite work out if I feel better and stronger or I am letting myself fall into the false sense of security….

It is good apparently to find at least one positive in a day and mine are listed above.

What this chemo brings we will see. Hopefully whatever it is I can cope better.