Hello 🙂 I have noticed something – I received couple of likes on my last post! 🙂 this is incredible! Thank you so much for reading my blog. If you want to say something, please do. Sometimes it is nice to hear what other people think or even just feel you are not alone.
I’ve been thinking today about Keith Flint – The Prodigy singer. Someone has recently told me that they don’t believe it was a suicide and media are feeding us with all that rubbish. I do believe. I used to love Prodigy and actually I still do. I wasn’t biggest fan, can’t say I know much about Keith. But I can imagine a bit how possibly he felt. Of course I’m not him and we can never say we know exactly how someone else feels. But… the news said that the last time he was seen was eating lunch or dinner with his personal trainer and cheering about breaking his personal best in some sort of sport achievement. He was also joking with some locals in the pub. And then he killed himself. Later that night. So, was it planned? Was he really cheerful knowing in his head that it was his goodbye? Or…. was he actually enjoying the moment and even forgot he is lonely/depressed…. and needed people. Needing their company. Enjoying the chatter and food. Then coming home and…. bum, loneliness. Nothing, Empty. Maybe he hit a very low bottom and just decided he couldn’t deal with the lows any longer. I don’t know. But that’s what I think is probable.
As I feel similar. Not suicidal. No. It’s more about feeling the very low. People go, leave you, go back to their lives (which always ALWAYS seem happier, fuller, better than my own) and then you feel empty. Lonely. And so stuck with the same problems.
I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere. I’m aways so hyper alert. Always expecting something to happen, something bad to happen. Not allowing myself to relax. I keep thinking if I do relax then life will kick me in the backside. That reminds me of dad drinking actually. When I was the same, always alert if he was doing it. Hypervigilent.
I was going to go back to the first time it happened and go through my emotions but I can’t tonight. Graham found new job (he lost one and was unemployed). And I should be happy. But of course he can’t drive and I’m worried about him taking buses, getting up early and coming back late.
I did have a strange thought last week though. I realised if I wasn’t with Graham that I would be scared and afraid for someone else as now I KNOW it is inside me, what stops someone else to have a seizure? I realised that’s not outside world it’s inside me which is struggling. That it does not really matter what is happening outside, but it’s inside which needs to be changed. But I lack of knowledge how to change it. I’m just stuck. Stuck in repeating the same thing – I’m scared. I’m sick and tired of feeling scared.