A little bit of time has passed again since I last wrote. I’m in a strange mood. Overall I’m fine. I’m not depressed and my anxiety definitely reduced. I have a plan what to do in a case of a set back. Not much is happening in life but that’s ok as I prefer when things are stable. I have enough of ups and downs for a while. I started diet again. I’m trying to be good Monday-Friday but allowing myself for a treat on Sunday. I eat what I want but measure the portions and calories. I know I should introduce more exercises and I used to exercise more but I don’t feel quite in a right set of mind just yet for it. Although I do know that exercise actually does help with feeling better.
But despite all of that…. life doesn’t feel like mine anymore. It’s a really strange thing to describe. It’s difficult to name in proper words. Everything is the same but at the same time it all changed. I think the recent events mainly did it but also I changed due to the events and due to the counselling. I suppose it all needs time. One more quote from the R. Brett book is “give time time” to work. It will take some time for the time to do it’s healing.
I live with a constant fear at the back of my mind that something bad will happen. The fear of a seizure is still there, but I can control it more or less. But so many bad news appeared during this year that I feel I have to be prepared for the worst. Yes, that’s an anxiety itself. I just realised. I prepare myself again to be prepared IN CASE things happen. That just shows that sometimes writing or naming things helps to look at it from a different perspective.
I think that’s the main problem with an anxiety and depression. It’s being caught up in you own cycle of thoughts and not being able to look from outside. Until it’s starts to crack. Either by time or therapy or complete coincidence or a trauma. When it starts cracking there is a chance. But it’s difficult for it to crack. Throughout the therapy I was afraid that all my exercises and efforts will fail as one day I’ll just go back to the old ways of thinking… but now I realised that once you KNOW what to do and that there is a different way – it is actually difficult to go back. You may be a long time – in between. Like me, suddenly caught up thinking old ways – but realising it. And after you realise you can do something.
I’ve been thinking a lot recently about friendship. I decided to stop contacting people first and see who will contact me from their own will.. so far not many ha ha.
I don’t know who reads this blog. I doubt anybody does lol I don’t think the person I have in mind certainly does. But I have experience an end to a friendship. A very abrupt end. And I’ve never realised it’s like in a relationship – someone may decide one day it’s not for them for one reason or another and walk out. They may put the blame on you. I don’t feel guilty but I feel very upset it ended as I didn’t see it coming. I know I can’t do anything and need to give this person right to chose what they want. But I do feel upset they think it was my fault. Or maybe it was an excuse to finish the friendship anyway. I was told I didn’t do enough and it’s a very strong thing to say. And it’s a difficult thing to take on when I know I did all I could. I wasn’t given a chance to explain myself. I feel in peace though in my mind. I probably could have done things differently if I KNEW how this situation would turn out. BUT I didn’t know. And also I did what at the time felt right. I only did what I thought was right. I have never ever wanted to hurt my friend. That would have been the last thing on my mind and in fact it would probably never actually gone through my mind. I trusted her and I respected her. I miss her. I miss our friendship. I tend to talk and work through problems. But I have to respect not everybody does. I’m not perfect. I’m far from perfect but I still think even I deserve a second chance…
So that was a black cloud on my blue sky. This year’s events is still a shadow on it. Everyday-ness is still greyish but there are people in much worse situations which much happier attitudes. Time. I just need time and I do believe it all will fall into places.
I just have to keep going and never look back.