We went to London to watch The Wicked. It was fabulous and very significant time from many different reasons… it feels like it’s been a very long time between me from last week and me from now.. but it’s only been a week.

First of all I really really loved the show. The cast, singing, the special effects – everything was just amazing! The voice the synchronisation between all the actors – it completely took my breath away 🙂 I really really enjoyed the show.

The one surprising thing for me – the very much “list” person is that I haven’t planned anything! and I felt good about it 😉 we only had the hotel booked but we didn’t even had the tickets for the show (we bought them an hour before) and it was all right. We didn’t plan where and what we eat. It was very nice not to plan actually and just enjoy the time together. We did 21 500 steps!!!! ok ok we lost the way few times and also we left rucksack on the train and had to run back to get it back. Left rucksack on the train in London!!!!!! ha ha ha. But it was good weekend.

My anxiety about seizures was different in different surrounding then home. As soon as I got back it came back in full blow. You can argue that in London I was very busy and quite tired. I finished a night shift on Saturday morning and didn’t sleep till that night after show. So I was shattered. And we had walked so much, Graham was late taking his pill. And yet nothing happened.

I feel strange these days. I felt similar when my father stopped drinking. As he did stop when I was 18. It’s a long story how it happened but mum basically made him ultimatum and almost left him homeless. He stopped. But instead of being happy…. it all went pants. As I didn’t know how to deal with him sober so we argued every day all the time. Similarly but  in a different context I feel at present. The last 7 months I was on high alert. I couldn’t stop even though I was down and fighting with it all but I kept going as Graham wasn’t strong enough to do things and I had to keep going. I did home and work. Yes, I had help and without the help I wouldn’t do it. But when chemo finished this one worry has gone… so everything should be better right? And it is overall… but inside me something gave up. I feel constantly tired and irritable. I feel pulled in so many direction at the same time and my battery gone low. It’s like finally my mind gave up and said I need rest. I can stop now.

It’s been a period of internal total transformation. And I need a rest now. I feel like I’m defying gravity. I need to think of myself first, ask myself what do I really need. I have to believe in myself and get rid of the old believes from my childhood which I haven’t revised.

On the positive I have a list of books to read. And I finally am the closest to finish my quilts as I have ever been.

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