I don’t quite know where I am at present in my mind. Sometimes I do feel trapped in my own thoughts. I thought the counselling was going well. I think overall I feel stronger. It amazes me how long the anxiety takes to reduce… but I suppose I was having it all my life so to change lifetime habits is difficult.
But I had absolutely amazing birthday. I received beautiful gifts but not only material. I decided to believe people when they say nice things to me and they actually said quite a few nice things. On Facebook wishes and also in email messages. When people say nice things about me I tend to deny and not take the credit. I don’t know why I don’t believe or maybe feel embarrassed to believe in it. Maybe because I was told as a child it’s not good to be egoistic and self-centered. I know some people have absolutely no problems in believing in themselves and it’s really great. Despite if we agree with them or not. I tend to think I have bad points maybe because I was always reminded of them in my childhood. So as a birthday day gift for myself I decided to actually believe the compliments.
Anxiety is strange. I’ve noticed my increases when I’m tired. I slept only 3 hours yesterday and I was completely in pieces. I was petrified something bad would happen. I cried because of the disagreement I had with my friends. I felt lonely, scared. I felt nothing good would never happen. I felt that all the bad things will approach me all at once. And then I slept 10.5 hours!!! Yes! and in the morning life was better again. Anxiety is really annoying. As at the time when the thought come they are so real. I need to remember that though are just thought. Emotions are only emotions. They aren’t reality. As Headspace said recently “We are NOT our thoughts. We are NOT our emotions. If we can learn to experience them in this way we are free”.
And I have few things I’m worried at the moment. Cancer. Chemotherapy. Seizures. Finance. Graham’s job. Graham not driving and the impact it has on the family. Children. Friends who sometimes decide to leave. And mum…..
mum has been recently diagnosed with brain tumour. Luckily non-malignant. She just needs to be under observations – every six months have a scan to make sure it doesn’t grow bigger. Mum also has AMD – eye disease and recently she had double vision. It all led to finding out that her neck arteries are blocked and she may need a surgery. She is at a very high risk of a stroke.
I’m worried about her. My relationship with mum have been difficult. As my dad was an alcoholic and wasn’t there really I turned to mum with everything. I did believe we were friends. But now going through my counselling I discovered it was always based on me doing what she wanted. My mum is really a wonderful person – she did and still does love us (me and my brother) and I have no doubts if I was in trouble and had a problem and needed a concrete solution she’d gave me her last clothes or piece of bread to make sure I am safe not her. But in less tragic situations it’s more difficult. Maybe it’s the age gap as she had me when she was 39 or maybe it’s just the way mum is… we have no deep relationship. Mum hasn’t got much common sense and to be honest is completely different that I am. And I have to say sometimes it hurts really badly when I think I don’t have a friend in her and that I can’t relay on her the way a child can relay on a parent. That there is nobody who can hug me and tell me it all would work out ok. Nobody to tell me they are proud of me and that I am strong and doing well. It may come from friends but when a parent say it it’s different. It’s like a hug itself. Its so difficult to explain to people when they ask me if I get on with my mum. Yes I do. But it’s not a deep relationship. I wish there was a mum for me who would cook me dinner, who would bake me a cake just because I like it and it is my favourite. Someone who cares about me and helps by just being there.
But there isn’t. And what I am trying to do is be that mum for my children. I want to be there when they need me and I want to be their friend. I want to be that warm mum they can laugh with and cry to and who is there with slice of cake or warm dinner on the table when they need it. And who has good advice or can be silent when needed.
But hey, that’s what I’m trying to do. And at the moment it’s another evening which I have to distract myself from my anxiety. My quilt is getting there – I’m awaiting some fabric from Ebay as I didn’t want to pay more for faster delivery. It’s UK stock but they can dispatch it within 15 working days…. 😦 I finished one diamond paiting and I got addicted to it. I bought more but most come from Honk kong so I have to wait lol But one arrived so may start on that. And my lovely brother in law got me my favourite game Professor Layton which is exactly what I need now – to concentrate on puzzles rather then keep thinking negatively.