It’s been interesting week. I got caught up in an anxiety circle from a completely new point. I felt fed up with watching my thoughts constantly, I lost the energy to work on myself, I stop headspace 😦 I just felt I needed a break from it all. I spoke about that on my CBT therapy and realised that my anxiety creeped up on me even here, I just started to do my regular anxiety circle on my work to reduce anxiety!!! it’s so confusing. I have to say it upset me. There will be of course up and downs, it’s not a straight line process.

I had a homework to actually stay up longer then Graham one night and face my fears. I wasn’t staying longer up then him as I was too anxious and preferred to sleep as it would stop me thinking about this…. I didn’t 😦 I didn’t do my homework. What’s more old emotions from things that happened a year ago started to resurface again. I forgot about things as the seizures where my number one. But now I start to come back to the emotions from the past which I haven’t dealt with yet.

Is everybody so emotional?? I think it’s just me. I literally live through emotions and usually guilt. But speaking of which… that seem to improve. I had an incident at work which I would usually react with a strong guilt afterwards. But I didn’t. I asked myself few questions: was I rude? no. Was I personal? no. Do I believe I was right? yes. And I didn’t feel guilty at all. I know that social situation like that would normally knock me down completely, I actually behaved sensible. I’m proud of that 😉 but now just deal with the personal aspects.

I do see the world through negative glasses. It’s been taken up from my childhood I believe. Or maybe even from the general Polish culture. I wonder if there is a process of re-teaching yourself to see more positive (apart from just remembering to do that every day lol). I feel it could be the answer. If you see a positive you think positive.

I’m slightly antisocial last few days. Yes, I’m working nights again and I’m very tired. I just used to never trust people. I don’t think it help me to make new friendships, but at least I was more or less constant. I presume everybody sooner or later would hurt me (as unfortunately that’s what I learnt as a child). But then I met my husband, I met really nice and good and wonderful people, made new friendships. I know that nobody is all good or all bad. We all make mistakes. We all make wrong decisions. And that’s normal, that’s life, that’s learning process. But I have a slight problem when people make wrong decisions which relate to me. Because it hurts. And it doesn’t hurt just one day there and then. It drugs behind you. I think overall I was better not trusting people. That is sad. I can’t just expose myself to being stabbed, I just can’t. It takes me so long to heal thats’ simply not worth it.

I feel a bit lost. I’m not down or actually I’m not as anxious as I used to be. But as I say, dealing with old problems of hurt feelings, then all the Graham health problems and learning new way of thinking – it all drains literally all energy out of me. I just need to find a way out – a way of escape from it all. Sewing is one thing. I used to paint. I used to put music on and paint or draw. I used to draw mainly flowers, but my brother then criticised me and said it was pointless as nobody famous draws only one things. And I stopped. I like being creative though.

So the plan is to get back to do homework from counselling, see more positive in life and it’s time for ME time. What do I want? not everybody else. I need to listen to myself, what actually I do want. What makes me feel comfortable. As I have only one life and it would be silly to live it the way other people want.

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