It’s World Cup at the moment and England is playing Colombia. It went to extra time so at the moment it’s 1:1. I though I’d write something while it’s still 30min when my husband is not present in mind lol
Tomorrow he won’t be present again but because of chemo. I was doing so very very well. I had a small/big victory or achievement yesterday. I was so tired that by the evening felt everything was just confusing and I didn’t know anymore what to feel, what to think, what’s right or wrong. I felt my anxiety rising… but I managed to tell myself – it’s not your reality. It’s your mind playing tricks on you, go to sleep and tomorrow it will be different. And I did and it was different this morning 🙂
Unfortunately I haven’t had enough rest and today I’m tired too and I’ve had quite busy day and my mind plays tricks on me again 😦 I do feel anxious again. I think it’s because the chemo tomorrow. We sort of expect the seizures but hope they won’t happen. As so far they happened 1st 3rd and 5th cycle and now it’s 7th…. it’s nothing scientific and I don’t know any medical reason why they wouldn’t happened like that. Maybe it’s 5 week time and it’s just a trigger or maybe they wouldn’t happened anyway. Maybe they won’t happen ever again and maybe the medication is working. It’s all maybes and I do know very very well that it’s not worth thinking about it as it’s no point worrying about things which are not under my control.
I also had an interesting session today which made me realise how much I plan everything, how much I organise my life – from knowing what is going to happen the net day to weekly dinner planner. I hate surprises. I’ve never connected it with anxiety but it does of course make sense – plan so there is no uncertainty. Bingo.
I need to work in small steps to expose myself to uncertainty but it’s difficult to concentrate on it when such a big event is coming tomorrow. I’m a bit lost. I don’t want to take a step back and have a set back.
I do realise very well though that the seizures are just a trigger. I’m not actually scared of them but the fact they are so unpredictable is what sets off my anxiety. In fact, on my better days I even had times when I wasn’t scared of them at all.
But today I have a worse day, I’m still tired, I have a headache and I’m some how naturally worried about the chemo tomorrow. And that does not help with me working on my GAD. I do find this sometimes sooo difficult 😦