Sometimes I do feel like I don’t belong. Sometimes I do wonder… do other people think so much about their life. Their thoughts. They seem to be able to get stuck into every day things and not worry about feelings or emotions so much. I wish I could do that. To cut off all that metaphorical dilemma. Is anxiety a problem of overthinking?
Sometimes I feel I’m really on the right track with everything and sometimes I feel so confused. I had a moment when I thought it was all pointless. Everything will come back to the old ways anyway. But it was just a moment and I managed to realise it would pass. The big problem with GAD is that whatever you think feel or imagine at the time, the negative thoughts feel like they are your reality forever. And it’s important to realise – it will pass. Sometimes red looks very red sometimes more pink depending on light. And that’s the same. How you feel will pass. And it’s only the way you feel. It’s not reality.
I also have been considering stopping my antidepressants. There is one side effect which I find really frustrating recently and it’s sweating. Especially night sweats. I’ve never had it before. Also I seem to eat a lot but I can’t unfortunately put it down to antidepressants. So my plan is also to start exercise, as exercise helps with anxiety too. And eat less. But one problem at the time. I can’t repair whole world at the same time.
I feel nervous about the chemo on Wednesday. The seizures were happening every other cycle 1st, 3rd, 5th and now we are approaching 7th…. in a way the uncertainty has been taken out of it as I presumed if it’s going to happen it will happen this week. And even when my brain did manage to return to old ways and imagine seizures my fear of them was definitely smaller. But I just really want this chemo to finish. I have enough of good weeks and bad weeks. It’s sooooooo close to the end and yet so far. Believe me. I know, I remember the beginning when all 8 cycles were ahead. I remember the first and every single one of them. I do know that we are closer to the end then ever before really. BUT it’s still TWO cycles. It’s still two times when Graham will feel horrible. I hate seeing him like that and not being able to help. I really truly want it to finish.