Today I’ve been thinking about many things. I’ve just finished my week of 5 nights and I always get very messed up in my thoughts after working nights and especially stretch of so many. I find people irritating and I feel extremely confused with what I think and what I feel and what is right and what’s wrong. So it’s probably not surprising I was thinking of many subjects. One of which was imperfection. I’m still doing Headspace and still really really loving it. I missed a day and I felt guilty. I felt I wasn’t enough for that. The application is counting the streak of days you meditate and I already saw in my mind how the count goes down to zero. I failed. Yes, that showed again how much negativity I have in my thinking and how much I am not kind to myself. It also in a way would really defeat the object of mediation…. if they were putting you down after you think you “failed”. Of course it wasn’t really a failure. My husband advised that not many would manage to meditate as well as working 5 nights, looking after children and him. And also I managed to squeeze in a favour for a friend and got back to embroidering which I realised how much I’ve missed.
And then the following day there popped up two quotes from Headspace. I set up in my options that I’d like to have those pop ups. I like quotes and I’m glad I’ve done it.
“So much effort goes into trying to be perfect. But how much attractive are vulnerability and imperfection?”.
That’s an interesting thought… I’ve never cut myself some slack to be honest. Things are either black or white for me usually. And yet this quote made me think…. What actually p perfect is. It’s something I’m aspiring to based on my own standards. Yes, those came from society, ethics, culture etc. but also from my own brain which learnt somehow false outlook at reality (see post about my childhood). So I’m trying to be perfect according to my own standards. And I wouldn’t allow myself for a mistake while I’d give much more lee way if dealing with same stuff in other people.
Why do I want to be perfect so much? Why do I straight away feel like a failure if I don’t meet my own set of standards. Surely if I set the standards I should be able to change or bend them. Probably that’s why I’m a bit scared to feel less anxious in case I have a set back again which I’d see as a failure.
Is imperfection and vulnerability attractive? I don’t know. I haven’t come to a conclusion about that one yet, it just highlighted for me that there is a different point of view. We all aim for perfection, perfect body, perfect figure, perfect clothes, make up hair etc etc Is it really worth it, is it really attractive?
The other quote which came up today was:
“It’s tiring wanting things in the mind to be different then they are. Take a day off”.
A day off??? That wouldn’t come to my mind at all. So all my worried about missing a day…. how unnecessary they were! And that’s just showed a perfect example of anxious brain.
What actually a perfection is? Doing a long streak of days or doing things according to own needs and pace and be happy?