The “what if” thinking is very automatic. I was driving at the weekend and wondering if there is a parking space when I get there. “What if there will be nowhere to park?” I was thinking. And then I realised…. again – imagining the worst case scenario before it even happened.

The constant questioning your own thoughts is very tiring. I do get moments when I actually doubt if what I’m doing does make any sense. I’ve been practicing the Headspace and I like the metaphor they used there. Imagine a blue spotless sky. We walking underneath such sky through life. But there will be some clouds, like our feelings, emotions, thoughts and experiences. They will be fluffy white clouds. And there will be some grey clouds too and sometimes rain and thunder. And sometimes they grey rain is so overwhelming that we forget there is a blue sky behind it. But we need to remember that the blue sky is there. We don’t need to create it – it already exists.

I’ve been thinking today that the last six months had also some positive outcomes, not only negative. Things like that makes you revaluate your life. What is important? If not the negative experiences I wouldn’t ever had a trip into the past my childhood and learnt so much about myself. I do feel the changes I’m making in my way of thinking are good. I feel it’s all going in the right direction now. We also grew closer as a family. It is special that someone chose you to stay with them in the moments when they are the most weak.

But I still have the “what if” it all collapses if something bad happens again. It’s a very very fragile line I’m stepping on. And I also understand that the positiveness and strength depends only on me. My anxiety at the evenings settled. But I’m not optimistic, I’m realistic. Or am I just giving in old way of thinking… it’s easier to change it in a little things, but I don’t want to be disappointed with what’s important. And it’s also hard to believe for me that something might have actually worked. After good few months of trying to find a solution.

In the meantime…. I was enjoying the 32C IMG_6487

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