I was meant to write few positives each day. I have to say that the intolerance to uncertainty was such an eye opener…. I feel like walking on the edge… still so very very close to the precipice…. but holding on the edge standing. I don’t even allow myself to doubt it won’t work. I believe strongly it will work 🙂 I have stopped my mind wandering towards old habits and imagining the seizures so many times. I have taken small steps and tried to do behavioural experiments and do what I’ve never done – act to situations different way and see if it works (basically increase my tolerance to uncertain situations rather then try to increase certainty by worrying). I have done Headspace 4 days in a row now 😉 and my anxiety is lower. I don’t feel by any means comfortable in doing it, it’s not something I do automatically I have to watch and question my own thoughts all the time. But I do feel less anxious and today I even felt somehow happy 🙂
Another positive and it’s a bit step is my husband relationship with my older daughter. So it’s quite obvious Graham has been going through a very difficult time in his life. I can’t even imagine how he felt, although I can see the physical symptoms of chemotherapy, how sick, weak, washout he was and how much trauma it’s been for his body to cause seizures (possibly the reason, but definitely not helping). He’s been very strong psychologically and emotionally. I’ve struggled mostly emotionally side which has been described in depth through here. But the girls struggled too. The little one picked up on the routine change. But the older one… had good and bad days. On some days she didn’t want to eat, couldn’t sleep, had nightmares, burst into tears randomly. She had mood swings, insecurity issues and she stopped sleeping alone. And most of all she didn’t want to stay with Graham on her own. I know how it hurt him. Today it’s the first time since 28th January they spent few hours on their own and they really really enjoyed it! 🙂
I would normally say – I don’t know if it lasts… (see – again, trying to predict the worst scenario) but the new me won’t say that. It is now, now they are happy. And we don’t need any “what if’s”. Let not allow my mind to wander. But that’s the point, need to stop myself. I’m so tempted to imagine worse case scenarios all the time but I’m making a conscious effort not to do that and also trying to distract myself.
And speaking of distraction – another positive, our little hamster Mr Fuzzy (turned out to be HIM not HER) got some treats today and he really seemed to enjoy them 🙂