I have to say I’m extremely confused. The last six months were the most confusing, emotional, difficult and extremely hard period I’ve ever had to deal with…. it was not only dealing with serious health conditions and new diagnosis but mostly dealing with myself and discovering truth about my personality. It’s been a long and exhausting journey inside myself which I now find so tiring and literally with no energy to live. Not in a very pessimistic way, like I’m going to give up but more in a way that all my energy went into explorating my personality and going into the reasons for the way I feel that I have, that I have no energy left to deal with anything else. I feel constantly, constantly tired.
I’ve learnt that I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder. Which means that the most probably why I couldn’t get to the bottom of my fear of seizures was that… it wasn’t really fear of them but they were a trigger for my anxiety.
I’ve always been surrounded by negativity. My father was an alcoholic. Not a big deal you say. And most Polish drink so it’s unfortunately a childhood most of us Polish people experienced. And sadly not only Polish. But my dad was hiding that he was drinking and I knew all the places he was hiding vodka. He was lying denying he drunk even though we all could clearly see he has. My earliest memory of childhood is my mum putting me to bed, when I saw on the corridor dad crawling from the toilet to his bedroom. So I asked what was wrong, why he was doing it and my mum answer “daddy is not feeling well”. He promised me every Christmas he would stay sober and he never did. He was driving drunk, sometimes with me in the car. I hated him. I wanted him to die. It was a constant embarrassment, I couldn’t invite anybody home, I didn’t want my friends to see him like that. I was ashamed. And if you add to it that Poland isn’t a very tolerant (or wasn’t very tolerant at the time) country – and me being on the chubby side, I was laughed at on the street by kids and adults. I had a very very very low self esteem. I didn’t believe I was pretty, I didn’t believe anybody would love me. I didn’t believe I was good at anything. I thought that the reason for all bad in the house was dad. Because dad drunk.
But he stopped and we actually managed to have a little bit of nice time together. After a period when I was adjusting to actually seeing him sober. But anyway he passed away 10 years after he stopped drinking. Not from a liver disease, funny enough, but from COPD. His lungs given up on him. And that slowly changed everything. I was already in England, so the process separating from home and his death made me discovered new truth, the truth I’m discovering till today.
If you think about a child with huge complexes who’s one parent is unavailable to talk to be a role model, the child would turn into the other parent for support. I thought I was very close to my mum. But it was a strange relationship. I don’t want to accuse my mum of anything. I’m sure she did the best she believed at the time. And she was shaped by her parents and circumstances. Quite possibly her mum did to her what she did to me. Completely unintentionally. And I’m sure if I ever was in a need she’d give her last clothes and food so I would be warm and fed. But what she didn’t do is she has never taught me coping strategies to deal with problems. She is very negative. She’s very neurotic and anxious person. She was using a lot of emotional blackmail. I never believed in my opinion, I always took hers as the right one. She told me to put other people first and many times called me egoistic if I didn’t put others (mainly her) first.
Only just now I realised how much I was influenced by her. Not by dad. Maybe dad taught me what a lie is and what an addict can do to you and your family. That is probably why I’ve never smoked or drunk too much, which overall isn’t a bad thing. I might have missed some fun in my teenage years, but I had too many complexes anyway to do it properly.
But mum gave me GAD and the problems I have now. And I’ve only just realised how big and long journey it is in front of me to make it all straight. And probably I’ll never completely get rid of it as it’s my personality. This is my coping strategy to problems. GAD and avoidance. Or running away. It’s a long way ahead of me.