My counsellor told me to write about my feelings. I seem to have a strange relationship with my own feelings. I take them as facts. I feel so it must be true. Which objectively sounds quite absurdly. Although on the other hand, I remember from the Polish book by Andrzej Szczypuorski “Mass for Arras”. He said there that things only exists by their name. If you call a rape a punishment it becomes a punishment. So if you name a certain situation based on your feelings, does it become your truth?

My main feeling these days is anxiety. I wonder if I got some mild form of PTSD? Maybe I’ve learn a response after the first time I saw Graham having a seizure and my mind just reacts the same way. The first time it happened it was scary. I didn’t come across any seizures before, even though I’m a nurse. We were just sitting at the dinner table, having dinner. When we finished I got up to take the plates in the kitchen when Graham made some strange noises. He was trying to encourage our youngest to finish eating, so at first I thought he was making fun with her and thought – why is he doing it? he should be serious, not playing with her. But I don’t remember when exactly I realised it wasn’t fun, maybe when I looked at him. I don’t quite remember how he looked as all I remembered was the feeling of impeding doom. I knew something bad was happening but I didn’t know what. And how to deal with it. I don’t remember moving, but I know I was straight away next to him as he felt backwards and I was holding his head, making sure he doesn’t hit it on the stool behind him. He wedged himself between table legs. He was shaking, his eyes fell backwards and he was foaming around his mouth. He produced a lot of secretion! I was shouting his name in panic, I did panic. I checked his stoma as all I could think was – he had a surgery and it’s something do with that. And then I thought I would have to do CPR on him and I can’t do it on a chair and I can’t do it alone, that’s when I turn around to get a phone. But my older daughter was already there with the phone in her hand. I dialled 999, still panicking. The woman there was brilliant!!!! she talked me through it, she calmed me down. I managed to move him off the chair on the floor into recovery position. I was sitting next to him on the floor. After the shaking he stopped breathing for a moment and then started breathing very loudly. That’s when I moved him. I remember I never felt so relieved when I heard the ambulance sirens!! When they came I was so grateful. The paramedics are lovely people. I do admire their job. They took Graham to hospital and although I work there (not in a&e) I have to say that the stuff was less nice. I do understand when they come from, for them it is just another seizure, not really an emergency. Not life threatening – and maybe next door there was someone who needed CPR or had great degree burns or a child which needed help with breathing. I do understand that. But when they told us – you had a seizure, you can’t  drive for a year, wait for an appointment with neurologist, bye! it was a bit like – well… what now???? It’s actually quite a big deal not to drive. It’s a big deal to have a seizure.

Well, how that all made me fell….. scared. Anxious. Petrified. Down. Depressed. Panicking. Hopeless. Helpless.

Every evening now about the time when the first seizure happened I feel incredibly anxious. Days are easier, but still any sound, any scream, loud noise makes me jump. Makes me run to see if Graham is ok. I get confused when children playing loud. Many many times I jumped when someone made strange noise for fun, my heart was about 150 beats per hour at least. It’s a completely different life.

I can reason with myself perfectly. I shouldn’t worry about things I can’t control. Don’t worry about things not dependant on you. Worrying won’t stop a seizure, if it’s going to happen it will happen. I know all of it. And yet I do feel anxious, I can’t relax. It’s always there at the back of my mind.

Feelings are connected with thoughts, thoughts are connected with actions etc. Most of us probably heard of it, a bit of CBT here. But I yet have to find out my relationship with my emotions. I feel them so strong, in that circle I think my emotions are the strongest. it feels like they influence my thoughts although it’s probably not true. So my investigation inside my self keeps going on. I need to discover or maybe re-invent my relationship with emotions as maybe that may change the thoughts I have and how I perceive the reality?

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