Today wasn’t a good day. It was and it wasn’t. Today I need to just flow my thoughts out of my head as it’s bad. Today was a day when my husband wasn’t at home and I didn’t have to worry about him having a seizure. So, should be easier, right? But yet, I woke up not really wanting to get up. Making kids breakfast was a chore. Then shopping. Then the sun was shining so I decided to wash my car. ONE achievement of the day!! Then I met someone who was going through similar. We shared our feelings. I was soooooo amazed she thought the same as I did. She felt exactly the same.

She said she threw her wedding ring at her husband twice saying she had enough. I decided after last weekend it was it, I’m leaving. I know I don’t want to leave him. I love him. I just don’t want to be in the situation. She shared my fears, my worried, she spent evenings at home crying. She shouted for help as I do and nobody heard.

So it should be good, yeah? and it was at the time. And I kept strong and then all of the sudden, 6pm comes…. I’m in pieces. My heart is racing… my thoughts are just speeding through my head. I need help NOW. I feel I can’t cope. I feel there is no way out of this. There isn’t!! it will NEVER get better. I’m gasping for air. I feel so disappointed in myself. So fed up with this. I sound like a broken record. am I sucidial?? I haven’t planned anything. But I don’t feel like eating, I can’t carry on any everyday activities. I can’t concentrate. I’m scared. I feel the overhelming feeling I won’t cope. There is no solution. There is nothing I can do.

Ironically my GP called me and she suggested to try another anti-depressants (I tried one before but the side effects were terrible). I agreed. I’d agree anything. Just to feel better.

The girl I saw today suggested another help centre but it’s in Oxford. I’ll go there.

Work Occupational Health called me earlier today as well and they said the waiting list for a therapist is looooooooooong. It won’t be till several weeks.

I’m so desperate right now that I’d try anything. I dont’ sleep well, even when I’m on my own. I hate the feeling of panic. I hate feeling so lonely in this all. I feel like drawning. I just feel awful.