It’s been snowing for a while now. I was meant to go to a shop yesterday but I wasn’t brave enough to drive. I dressed up in a coat, scarf, boots and went outside the back door. And came back! That’s how far I made it.

I did brave a little car journey today but it’s been snowing since. It’s interesting as I’m Polish and snow is no surprise to me. BUT I’ve never driven in snow! In fact I never drivenin Poland. I learnt how to drive in UK. And in Poland we are prepared. We moan that our Highway Maintenance services are never ready for snow – “Yet again winter has surprised them!” but…. they are really prepared. Roads are cleared and gritted, we have winter tyres and naturally born ability to drive in this conditions (except me, maybe that’s why I emigrated?).

So, schools are closed, we are stuck at home with children and drinking hot chocolate. We did a little walk as you must – otherwise my children won’t know what the snow actually is, a bit embarrassing if they are half Polish. It’s a day when your diet goes out of the window. Day to chase up some outstanding appointments and do an online Tesco shopping – even though they cancelled all their delivery slots anyway.

I have felt quite down recently. I keep thinking about writing about friends, but that deserves a separate post, as there is a lot to write about. But I don’t like feeling this way. So I decided ask for help. I tried few different things. I have had some counselling in the past, privately, but it’s expensive. £40 per session…… nah…. Not now, when our financial situation is so uncertain.

So… NHS it is. I work for NHS right? I tried work, Occupational Health – left a message…. called, left my details… two weeks ago. I chased them today and apparently there is a waiting list. I do appreciate that. I can understand how modern society is bringing people down etc…. but at least call me back and acknowledge you care…. I’m down!!! I tried GP, absolutely lovely lady. Understanding. Not a counsellor though but prescribed me antidepressants (on my own request – can you just knock me out, please?!). Sertraline…. never again. You need to give it time to work (how ironic is that!!????) it may take up to 6 weeks to work. I’m down NOW! but ok, let’s try. I took half a pill on Monday…. half on Tuesday. Felt no improvement and no change. I took one pill on Wednesday and again on Thursday…..

And that was it…. I lost it even more. I had a proper foggy brain, I couldn’t concentrate. Not in a good way though. Not in the spaced out way, like when you have gas and air during giving birth – that was awesome!! Give me that any time. No it was confused foggy brain, pessimistic one. Then I had even more panic attacks (I had them before taking the pill, but with the medicine I had several one after another) which led to suicidal thoughts. I had pounding heart and though race through my head, making me feel there was no escape from all of that, the only way out is….

I stopped taking them.

I self referred to two counselling groups. One number I got from GP – took me a week to get to speak to someone and yet again waiting list, 4-6 weeks and between £15 – £40 per hour.

The other group, Healthy Minds – I actually used once before. I got a very quick reply (telephone) and another one week later to discuss treatment options. One to one telephone appointments – waiting list is few months.  A group therapy (lectures, 15-30 people in the group) in May or… I can do self-help online with a support from a therapist straight away. Well… I went for the last option.

But if I was suicidal.. I know these aren’t emergency help services, I know. But I think I’d have enough time to think how to take my own life! You can shout for help but there is no answer. I felt left on my own. Yes, I have tried emailing Samaritans…… but the answer is very generic. I said I was worried life would never be the same and they answered you are right it won’t be the same….. give me a gun now! Really?? I don’t know, maybe their phone lines work better… I haven’t had courage to use them. But I’ve started this – maybe it will help. Maybe.

 

 

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