Today is all about side effects.

Graham had his first IV chemotherapy yesterday and lots of steroids. It’s again the unknown – how will he react? How can we cope with it.

But it is also about the side effects of this situation we are in. The side effects which we have to cope and adjust to. I’m not sure if I’m a pessimist. I tend to think I am. I seem to be unable to deal with life hurdles… I think a trip into a childhood and luck of imbedded coping strategies would be an answer. It’s a good day for it – it’s cold and I mean COLD outside and snowy and -5C…. but it may be a subject for another post. If I get to my childhood I’ll never leave.

The side effects…. There are physical and emotional and psychological. Social. They all interact. There are side effects which only Graham has to cope with but there are side effects which the family has to cope with. It came to me as a surprise recently when I had to describe myself as his carer. Yes, I’ve become a carer do  I want it or not. I’m 37 (still!) and I’d never imagine I’d be carer for my husband at this age. Our girls are 8 and 4. What we should be doing is thinking of house renovations and planning next holidays.

But life is not like that.

Life seem a struggle in some ways. Never enough time, money. When you are a mother life also seem to be a guilt. Guilt of not enough time, not enough playing with children, not enough time for myself, not enough nutritious meals, not enough…. and yet now I miss that “not enough”. As the situation when I found myself as a carer…. is not comfortable. I don’t like unknown and surprises. Maybe it’s me. Maybe someone else would cope much better. I intend to go on and to the best job I can. As someone said to me – when you go through hell just keep going.

But the side effects… physical – tiredness, lack of sleep, fatigue. Side effects of steroids – agitation, hiccups (4 hours of hiccups!). Emotional – worrying and stress. The side effects terrify me. The physical ones we can deal with. The emotional ones are the ones which are the problem. I don’t know how to cope with things. I probably need a strategy but what is the strategy. I have no energy and I’m simply scared. I’m scared life will never be ok. that we won’t enjoy it again like we used to. I’m scared what happens if the chemo won’t help. And I’m scared of the seizures.

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