So, there was this lovely blog which brought into the world the C-word. I haven’t read the blog although I did want to do it. But I watched the BBC drama about it and after I knew how it ended I couldn’t bring myself up for reading it. And then…. it was too close to home.

The C-world become real. I never thought it would. Things like that do happen to others but not us. Then we also had the E-word. and finally the overall U – word. The UNKNOWN.

So, I thought last few years were difficult. They weren’t. There were little struggles but I wish I had them now. We should really appreciate little things in life. So trivial but so true!! People go and enjoy life.

I’m 37 (still!) but soon to be 38 Polish girl, mum of two. I’ve lived in England 13 years. I’m a nurse. I’ve seen things. I’ve been there when people die and are born. But the recent events in my private life has brought me down. I thought I was strong…. it’s a Polish thing to be strong. To deal with your own problems. To take it “on the chin”… but I’m not strong. I crumbled completely like a biscuit in a tea.

My husband Graham had ulcerative colitis, nasty thing which makes poo your friend as you never ever have it under control. And the history of the illness can give you the C-word – cancer. Which has happened. I’ll never forget the moment we discovered it was cancer. But before we (he) had flare-up, steroids, hospital admissions. So yes, I thought it was tough. Then he had routine endoscopy and there was a stricture. And they did say you may have cancer, but who would belive in “maybe”. As Graham said  – I can’t base a decision to remove my colon on “maybe”. But we do, don’t we? we wear seatbelts as we “may” have an accident. But at the end he ended up obstructing and with an emergency surgery to remove his colon. We learnt about stoma. We starting to learn new life… when the cancer appeared.

But that’s not all. It was enough to cope with but it wasn’t all. Then he had two seizures – so E-word. Epilepsy. How? Where from? Why??? Wasn’t it enough already??? Investigations and the U-word. The UNKNOWN.

We don’t know if the cancer has cleared or will come back as mets. We don’t know if the chemotherapy will help. We don’t know if the seizures return. We don’t know if the medication help. We don’t know….. if we cope. Well I don’t. That’s why this blog. I thought to be honest – I thought I’d write my feelings as a coping strategy. About everything and nothing. About life. If someone reads it – great. Help me ad support me please. If not – it has the same effect really as writing to Samaritans…. therapeutic.

Life is rather a dark place at present…. but I’m trying.

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